Thursday, June 30, 2005

Like Cinnamon-Scented Cocaine

Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
The shit's like cinnamon-scented cocaine. I can eat it for every meal. It is to the point that I am almost too embarrassed to go to the grocery store every few days and buy more, and I'm definitely way too embarrassed to buy em 20 at a time.

Let's do the math; say 1 box contains about 6 meal-sized bowels of addiction. Lets say that's 4 boxes a week. 16 a month. Thats a little under 200 boxes of Maple & Brown Sugar Mini-Wheats a year. Not bad. I also like em cause they are hyphenated. I think that's my new thing; the hyphen.

Also, dig this shit; I somehow pulled a muscle in my back. It's fucking crazy, I can barely walk, and when I do I'm all hunched over like Mr. Burns. My delivery of muscle relaxers will be here shortly. Give me a buzz if you are interested in taking a bunch of pills and eating cereal with me.

Hyphen-boy out

Man, the semi-colon is is really cool too, but it itself is hyphenated. That's how goddamn cool the hyphen is.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Ain't No Sunshine

"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Only darkness everyday
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
and this house just ain't no home
anytime she goes away"

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Off To the T Dot

Tomorrow (Friday) I am going to tropical Toronto, Ontario. Home of clear blue water, rare and beautiful trees and flowers, and the sexiest all-inclusive resorts in North America.
What this means for you, my loyal reader, is sporadic or non-existent blog updates until next Wed.
I prolly won't even turn on the computer because I'll be too busy drinking cocktails with fruit and paper umbrellas in them on the beach. The nightlife will consist of trendy tourist bars and over priced "American-style" food. I'll try to befriend a local that will take me to the more exclusive, non-tourist spots (and hopefully score some low grade pot for next to nothing). Maybe I'll even meet some other "real" Americans to hang out with.

Adios Pendejos,

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

My Mane Man G-Dub!

Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
Hopefully the nightmare is at its end.
Bugs were exterminated. Cats were bathed. Apartments were professionally cleaned.

When I was talking to the groomer this morning, she suggested that George get a little coifed out. Bickity BAM... who's the King of the muthafuckin jungle??

The picture doesn't do justice to how funny-looking he is right now.

I think I'm just gunna smoke L's and giggle at him all night. Ya'll are invited. "I'm rollin, I'm rollin, I'm rollin-a"


Monday, June 20, 2005

Bug Breakdown Goes Like This

In case anyone is interested, here is the monetary breakdown and timeline of my hell:

Magic flea killing medicine for the cat - $50
aerosol spray flea killer- $17
Carpet Poison - $17
Cat's "Breakaway" Flea Collar - $13
Threw out a bunch of stuff that I thought might have fleas on it but prolly didnt - $100 (that's conservative)

Couldn't get anything done on Sat or Sun. Needed pills to sleep, couldn't eat in the apartment.
Monday (today): needed to organize and juggle so that a contaminated cat and an exterminated apartment (or vice versa) never meet. This is a task that will take 2 people and a place to store the cat for 4 hours while the poison dissipates, maybe take him to work.
Must buy a new flea-less cat carrier- $75
All of the obsessive compulsive vacuuming killed the vacuum cleaner, so I had to buy a new one -$150

Tomorrow (Tues):
9:00-11:00 exterminator $50
10:00 - Groomer $70
4:00 - Cleaning Ladies $70

Maybe tomorrow night I'll be able to chill and sleep and eat and stuff. Wouldn't that be just fucking grand.


Saturday, June 18, 2005

Your Smelly Piss

Look, I eat asparagus all the time. Yeah, it makes the pee pees smell all funky.
Here's the (internet) history on the asparagus piss (so it's gotta be correct):

1891, a scientist named "Nencki" did a test with 4 subjects and 7 kilograms (3 1/2 lbs each, FUCKIN A!) and claimed that as your body metabolizes asparagus, it produces this smelly chemical (methanethiol) , which your discriminating kidneys see fit to dump into the bladder.

1975 a chemist from California claimed that gas chromatography had fingered a different culprit: S-Methyl Thioesters, to be precise. No methanethiol.

1980 there is a reference in the British Medical Journal that simply refers to "metabolites." Another asparagus scholar favors "six sulfur-containing compounds" (it didn't say which 6, and I was too lazy to scour the Superhighway for them)

1994 a book called "The Research Guide to Body Fluids" by Paul Spinrad ( gotta get my hands on this book!) says just 22 percent of survey respondents experience asparagus pee.

So you can plainly see from this poorly researched and incomplete study that doesn't even have any real sources sited, that asparagus makes your pee smell because Jesus wants it that way. Who are you to question the lord? Fucker.

Sniff my hand,

BTW The flea situation is being dealt with. I feel a bit mentally I'll, but I think I'll be ok in a few months give or take.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Pure Fucking Hell!

Fucking fuck! The cat has fleas which means that the apartment has fleas, and due to my bug phobia, I've completely lost my shit.

1st thing I do when I discover them is take a valium. I should have taken 30.

2nd thing I do is call the vet in a frantic panic. This was the second strangest vet call that I've ever had to make. She told me to buy this topical stuff that u squirt between the cats shoulder blades. I go buy it an apply it. Great.

3rd, I then realize that I need to wash everything in my apartment and buy some kinda spray for the carpet and furniture. So I go back to the pet store and buy some spray shit and a flea collar (thanks A). I spray the apt and give George his new necklace. Yeah.

4th, I do some internet research and realize that the carpet spray wont kill the eggs (goddamn I cringe as type each and every word of this post). So I go to Petco, the Beverly Hills pet superstore. The place is so massive and ridiculous, But it seems as though only 1 person is working there. Unfortunately, that person is like a highschool freshman, and she thinks she may have heard of this "cat" animal that I'm speaking of, but she's not totally sure. So she calls over the storewide intercom for Anthony. Anthony is on the phone or the shitter or whatever, so he never shows up. She calls him again. Finally what arrives is a stupider, younger, retarded-er highschool kid. I politely ask him to get the fuck away from me very quickly (I may have even growled at him). I grab some fucked up lemon scented poison carpet powder. Great.

Now, I wait as the poison sinks into the carpet. The same poison that I'm going to be breathing in when I attempt to sleep which will never happen because I'm freaking the fuck out!

God damn it!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Earthquakes and Babies! It's The apocalypse!

I experienced my first earthquake today. 5.3 or something. Not too bad. It was like that feeling when u are in a parked car and a bus whizzes by and the car shakes. It was actually pretty cool. I wonder if any of my toys fell? Welcome to California jerkass!

And In other news...

Found out today that Schulien and his lovely wife are having a baby. Rumor has it that the baby's name will be Razor D. Schulien (the "D" stands for Danger, of course).


Much love to the ever-growing Schu family!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Nary Aloha, Dickheads

nary aloha
Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
I'm not the kinda guy that random people say hello to or smile at. Many times I've been the kinda guy that people stare at funny. I'd like to think that I'm still that guy sometimes (not as much in Hollywood).
From all the years of being me, I've become very comfortable with the fact that I don't have to deal with strangers too often. For whatever reason strangers rarely even make eye contact with me.

So why the fuck are strangers being all friendly to me today?

Other shoppers saying hello to me at the drugstore, a smile and a "hi" in the parking lot. Even inane chatter in the god damn elevator. Yeah, you heard right, the elevator. Yo, I don't want to exchange any niceties with any of you people.

Let me ask you this Mr. or Ms. friendly stranger; If you are so fucking friendly, then how come I'm not friends with you already? Huh? IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRANGER, AND I DON'T LIKE YOU.

Now leave me alone.
-Evil Dick

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

No Sign

no sign
Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
The window of my office (usually) looks directly at the Hollywood sign. Sometimes when I get to work, I notice that the Hollywood Sign isn't there. I like to imagine that it went out the night before to some trendy club, got all loaded and ended up sleeping through the alarm. Then I think, I wish I did all that instead of staying in, smoking the pot, and watching Gilmore Girls. It's sad that I'm sometimes jealous of the Hollywood Sign's social life, which is just a dumb fantasy that I made up in the first place (love the Gilmore Girls though).

Suck some

Monday, June 13, 2005

Space Rock Superstars For Your Sloppy-Ass Vaginas

I act like I didn't want this blog to be a music blog. I'll bullshit about pancakes and Kyle, but really, we all (all 2 of you) know that it's just a matter of time before this blog is end to end music geekery.

Let's talk about this new band: Los Angeles Digital Noise Academy.
While it's kind of an unfortunate band name, all shall be forgiven when you hear who is in this space rock/power pop fruit salad:

Ken Andrews -sang for Failure/On/Year of The Rabbit, produced a fuckload of good stuff that you know.
Jordan Zadorozny- sang for Blinker The Star, played and wrote with a fuckload of famous people that you like.
Justin Meldal-johnson - Bassed it up for IMA Robot, played on everyone's albums including Tori!
Tommy Walter - sang for Abandoned Pools, they did the theme to Clone High.
Sharky Laguna - He was in creeper lagoon. Honestly, I don't know them. Great stage name though.
Brad Laner - did a bit of everything on the tool/failure side project, Lusk. also played with Medicine.
Charlotte Martin - Piano Player, beautiful voice. She sounds like Susanna Hoffs (Bangles) singing Tori's songs.

And and and... A Failure tribute is in the works. It is said to feature: A Perfect Circle, Deftones and Auf Der Maur among others.
No news as to when either albums will be out. I'll keep you posted.

How do you and your sloppy-ass vaginas feel about that?

Is sloppy-ass hyphenated?

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Ya Ever Been Jerking-Off When...

Ya ever been jerking-off when the phone rings and your reflexes move faster then your dick's brain and you answer it?
It never turns out to be someone that will help you out and talk dirty to ya, it always ends up being your dad asking you about your taxes or UPS confirming a delivery or the local police looking for a donation.

And then you just say, "fuck it" and finish yourself off anyway.

Nope, me neither.


is Jerking-off hyphenated?

It's Pink Floyd and Not The Ramones

This is a 2 part post.

#1 Pink Floyd is reuniting with Roger Waters after 24 years for Live Aid in London!
No words can express how amazing that is. Period.

#2 Saw a Ramones cover band at the Whiskey called Not The Ramones. It was made up of a bunch of porn stars and industry people "legendary" Kirk Lockwood (Lockwood is a pretty funny porn name) on vocals and guitar, and some industry bigwigs as his backup band. They had 8 big-named porn starlets as their backup singers and dancers. Here are some highlights: Pretty much every pornstar that you've ever jerked off to was there. Evan Seinfeld from Biohazard/HBO's OZ/pornstar fame was there. Ron Jeremy from Hebrew Hedgehog fame was there. Yo momma was there lookin slutty (sorry Mr. T).
The band surprisingly did a good job with the Ramones songs. Not like it's that difficult, I mean, the retarded guys that I used to teach did a good job with "Wheels on The Bus." Ramones are brainless party music (as is Wheels On The Bus), and that's what it was. I managed to have a good time and drank until they booted us out (thank you alcohol for making this evening possible).

I'm gunna sign off with these fighting words; I think that the Ramones are the most overrated band in history, even more overrated then Nirvana.


Here's some Ramone's Lyrics, that make "Wheels On The Bus" seem like a MIT Masters Thesis:

Jackie is a punk
Judy is a runt
They both went down to Berlin, joined the Ice Capades
And oh, I don't know why
Oh, I don't know why
Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Fucking God What an Awful Racket!

You know that fucking GWAR have been around for almost 20 years!

Those motherfuckers have been putting on the most elaborate stage show, save for Broadway, with the most elaborate costumes for more then 1/2 of my lifetime.
Alice Cooper wore some makeup and a snake then sold out that persona as soon as MTV became popular. Kiss stole that Idea, added big boots, then became a caricature of a caricature of a generic money making heavy metal boy band machine. They are just lame arrogant old men in drag with dated, tired makeup. Who the fuck really knows or cares if its still really them on stage in make-up anymore? Slayer semi-recently introduced a blood rain to their stage show as a theatric to their song of the same name. Manson followed and has been doing cool gothy shows for a while now too, which were just updated versions of Alice and Kiss.
All that shit ain't SHIT compared to what Gwar has been doing for like 18 years.
Blood, cum, puss, puke, people grinders, torture, crack, nudity, slaves, religious desecration, and that's just during their 1st song...
"If our Audience isn't ankle deep in vomit, then we are not doing our job," says singer Oderus Urungus

Fucking Gwar! They still are doing this heavy metal gore musical thing that gets grosser and grosser every year.
Just thought we needed to recognize.

We need more Crack
-Rizmak the Gusher

Thursday, June 09, 2005

So Fucking Random

Something really random popped into my head;
Whatever was the punchline to that joke that John Bender told right before he fell through the ceiling in the Breakfast Club?

Goddamn right I googled it .

"A naked blonde walks into a bar carrying a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. The bartender says "I guess you won't be needing a drink", and the naked lady says............."
falls yelling, "OH SHIT."

Here's what the Information Super Duper Highway told me about the punchline:
It was revealed in a magazine article that Judd Nelson made the joke up ad-lib, and if there is a punch line, only he knows it.

Although the answer is kinda lackluster, it will allow me to sleep a tiny bit sounder knowing that I can finally lay that question to rest in my mind.
Wow, sometimes I am shocked at the depths of sad geekyness that I sometimes sink to. Bet no one else is.

-Dick (show me some respect)

PS Happy Birthday Kyle! Much Love!

Music Geekery

So I found this cool website that tracks the family trees of different bands. It's definately not 100% correct and complete, in fact I've already found some huge omissions on some of my favorite bands. It's really interesting just the same.
Here are some highlights:

Kyuss' family tree has 149 bands
Guns n Roses has 145
Beatles has 103
Posies has 66, which is total bullshit and really pisses me off. All bands, in some way, are connected to the Posies.
Jellyfish is missing, which is a crime.
Pinback has 33 bands, which is amazing because they are all pretty much 1 guy

here's the link:
  • music family tree

  • try to beat kyuss' 149


    Wednesday, June 08, 2005

    Don't Fuck With Kyle!

    travis bickle
    Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
    When did this guy turn out to be the scariest person that I know. He used to be like this cute purple faggy stuffed animal. Now he chews tinfoil and pisses razorblades all over your momma's antique rug. Look at him wrong and you'll be on the business end of a punch to the solarplexus.

    I like the new Kyle a lot. I want to fight him!

    Tuesday, June 07, 2005

    Hi Matt. You are special!

    Since Benito seems to be the only one who is reading the Blog and commenting on it, I thought I'd send him a personalized message. I mean, who wouldn't appreciate that. See, I treat my reader like an honored guest. Like goddamn royalty even! If this was a radio show, I would be playing nothing but Shock Box and Albatross for my loyal listener.

    Hi Matt. You are special!

    Big-Ass Retarded Pancake

    Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
    I was on the phone with Kyle when I ordered breakfast. I wasn't really paying attention because I wasn't all that hungry. We were at a "gourmet" pancake restaurant on Sunset , so I figured that I would just order a stupid gourmet pancake. What came was three (3!), 12 inch wide, 1/4 thick wheels of blueberry dough. I almost shot coffee out my nose when I saw them. I ate a tiny bit and then I took it home. I ate a tiny bit more for dinner, then I took this pic. I put a frozen eggo waffle on top of it so you can get some perspective as to how huge it is. It weighed an astonishing 475 pounds, and made my car scrape on the ground when I drove it home in the enormous Styrofoam shell/doggie bag. This thing fed me twice so far and I didn't even come close to eating half of it.
    The fucking thing is like a seat cushion or a ottoman.

    If any of you fuckers are hungry, come by and have some big dumb pancakes with me.

    Monday, June 06, 2005

    Yo Momma's Mohawk is so Nappy...

    Oh my friends.... Do I have a fucking treat for you!
    Dig up on this little gem:

  • Mr. T tells you what's up

  • Mr. T lectures all of you inconsiderate motherfuckers about disrespecting people's fucking Mothers.
    You'll wish that you had a 200 inch hd screen so you can watch this over and over until you collapse from laughing in a pool of your own piss, puke, and cum.

    Fuck you and your mom

    Sunday, June 05, 2005

    I Got 99 Problems And a Blog Aint 1

    Dearest Blog,
    We have been hanging out a real lot lately. I am starting to consider you a good friend. Sometimes when we hang out really late at night, maybe I've been drinking or just a little fucked up from lack of sleep, but I truly feel that there is "something" more there. I think we play all coy, because we both know that it prolly isn't the best thing, but I'm sick of playing. Blog, I think we are starting to share feelings that go way beyond the standard person / cyber-diary feelings. I think about you all the time, and I can tell that you think about me. I embellish all of my most personal thoughts and feelings to you. You save, template, and publish my every word. I even had a (truth be known, wet) dream where you allowed me unlimited hosting on your private servers overseas.
    Look, I know that we can't be exclusive. In fact, I know that you sometimes hang out with my friends. I'm fine with that. It is what it is, we both know that. I just wanted to get it all out in the open so we can move forward in our personal and professional relationship and get past any jealousy or games that may be in our present/future. No pressure, no expectations, just a good time. Are you cool with that?

    Much love,

    "I don't know what you take me as
    or understand the intelligence that Rickshaw has
    I'm from rags to riches bloggers I ain't dumb
    I got 99 problems but a blog ain't one
    Hit me

    99 Problems but a blog ain't one
    If you havin' blog problems I feel bad for you son
    I got 99 problems but a blog ain't one
    Hit me!"

    Saturday, June 04, 2005

    Couple Of Things (which are separated by capital letters in sequential order)

    A. My microwave knows exactly how long to cook popcorn so that every kernel is popped, but none are burnt. For some reason I find that really impressive. I'm real proud of it for that. Other then that, it is a useless piece of shit that makes things both scalding hot and ice cold at the same time. Weird how a major appliance can get demoted to menial labor. I rarely even eat popcorn.

    B. Patton Oswalt is a funny motherfucker! He will make you make the pee pees in your pants, and just so you know, that's NOT where the pee pees belong. He's THAT funny. If you like David Cross, and I know that you do, you will like Patton. His disk is called, "Feeling Kinda Patton."

    C. New 6 Feet Under Starts on Monday at 9! It's the final season. You are all invited to come over and watch it (while couch space is available). Pls bring your dogs.

    D. Some times I feel like coffee is a gateway drug. Don't get me wrong, I would never say anything bad about coffee, ever. I just sometimes feel like, "hey, I'd like a cup of coffee, plus; 4 lines of meth, a big fat spliff laced with something that will make me hallucinate, and a handful of pills. Oh yeah, and lots of hash." Is coffee a gateway drug or is it just me? Yeah, I know, It's just me.

    E. Due to a haircut last night, my sideburns are now 1/4 less fatty (beefwise) and 1/4 less meaty (meatwise). That's an astonishing 230 calories, for those counting! I thought I owed you at least this notice. I knew you would understand.

    I am gunna go shoot up and drink some coffee
    -R.A.L (the "A" stands for anus)

    Thursday, June 02, 2005

    Milk Is Disgusting and The Aviator Sucks

    I am currently ignoring the movie The Aviator. I can't believe how much I don't like it. I like the cast, I like the H. Hughes story, it's even a cool movie to look at (colors, costumes, scenery, cinematography). But god damn it is poorly done. I'm bored out of my mind. If I were in the theatre, I'd walk out (but I'm not, I'm home, and I don't really have anywhere to go right now).

    Here's a list of things that I've done since turning on the movie The Aviator:
    1. cleaned the litter box
    2. tried to repeat Leonardo's lines in burp-talk
    3. tweazed the cat's unibrow
    4. wrapped a string around my index finger cutting off the circulation (like in the Breakfast Club)
    5. smoked 1/2 a joint
    6. drank 1/2 a liter of water
    7. ate a peanut butter granola bar
    8. dicked with my blog
    9. blogged with my dick

    FUCK! I don't know why I don't just turn it off. I guess I want it to get better. It's not

    In the movie, Howard Hughes keeps drinking milk and it's making me nauseous.
    Milk is fucking gross.
    It's all thick and phlegmy. It looks really room-temperature in the movie, like it could go bad at any second. He never even sniffs it to make sure. Just swallows jug after jug of potentially bad milk congealing at what looks like 8o degrees.
    I don't know why it's bothering me so much, but I'm disgusted.
    It's time to turn off the movie and do something that isn't milk-related.

    Have a lactose-free day

    PS fuck the Aviator
    PSS no offense and much love to The Milk Girl. Maybe if I had a plate of cookies I'd change my bitter tune.

    Wednesday, June 01, 2005

    El Fuego

    El Fuego
    Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
    The fuckin thing was on fire! Sunset Blvd became a parking lot, 7 hellicopters were swarming around it, every person on the block left their office to walk outside to see it.
    Truthfully I was more impressed with the homeless woman with the silver pants, stuffed animal slippers, and turban, but no one was clever enough to get a picture of that.
    This place is a fucking circus.


    PS I got an ISite camera, so it's time for cyber-handjobs. Call me to set up appointments.

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