Tuesday, August 30, 2005

3 Wishes

If I had 3 magic wishes and couldn't use them for any altruistic purposes, as of 10:00 on tues they would be:

#1. I never want to have to go to the bathroom ever again. I want all waste to just disappear out of my body without me ever having to do anything. I hate pee and poo. Having to eject pee and poo out of holes in my body into a proper receptacle is both disgusting and inconvenient. Fuck the potty!

#2. 2 words: "Straight Hair"

#3. A pepper steward or stewardess. A fancy-ass, well-dressed person to follow me around all day and night with a large pepper grinder who asks me wether I would like fresh ground pepper with whatever it is that I'm eating. And yeah, chances are that I will want pepper. I mean, damn!

What are your 3 wishes?


Monday, August 29, 2005


Howdy Kiddies!
Just came back from the T-Dot. The Grrl And the Puug have been successfully sprung with only minor boarder crossing difficulties (guess how may balloons filled with heroin that I can house in my rectum without one fallling out every time I cough?).

Been spending lots of airplane time lately. That recycled air. That cafeteria smell. Those under-the-blanket HJs from anonymous drunk business men. That goddamn Madagascar movie over and over again.

This weekend it's Philadelphia for Dr. Jacobson's wedding. Me in a suit for the second time in a year (and Damian in a suit)! I've never been to Philly, so I'm pretty excited. Anyone have any recommendations for shit to do while we are there?

Bi Bi

PS. For those of you playing at home, I can house 7 small balloons of heroin in my rectum, which are able remain in my rectum when I cough. If you guessed "7" then you win: a smaller balloon of heroin that is slightly cut with a harmless substance for weight purposes. Congratulations.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Spring The Grrl

This weekend Ima snag me the grrlfriend and the pug and bring em back to Southern Cali. Just try to stop me bitches!

Wonder if my blog will suffer due to the whole girlfriend thing? Was the blog just a girlfriend substitute all along? Will this be me; "I've got no time for sex right now honey, one of the guys from the Posies just put out a solo album and I have to talk about it in my blog."

Anyway, talk to all y'all when I get back.
-Ri Le

("all y'all..." Who the fuck talks like that? Southern folk, I imagine. I know I don't. Although, it feels good to say and write it. Maybe I should start working it into my daily speech.)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Today's Porn Insanity!

Get a call from my photographer friend Jay at 5:00. He invited D and I to come to a video shoot that he was on, at some mansion in Beverly Hills. He promised insanity. He didn't disappoint.

We get there and find out that they are filming an 7 girl orgy scene for "Cousin Stevies Pussy Party" as well as shooting for Showtime's porn reality show "Family Business."
We were asked to judge the performances of the 7 girls, and were given a sheet of paper with different categories with point values. At the end they were going to tally up the points and give a bunch of prizes to the winner including a bonus $1000.

Here are the highlights:

Squirter Girl:
This chick female ejaculated 6 feet high and 8 feet in distance. She soaked everything and everyone around her. She did it in torrents of 10 "shots" at a time. Cum was literally raining down on everyone. Luckily I was out of range by like 4 feet. I've seen a lot of porn and I've never seen anyone cum like that. It was amazing! She got extra points from me in the orgasm category.

The Brown Surprise:
One of the girls had 2 dildos inserted into her ass by another girl. I learned that when a performer is expecting to do an anal scene proper etiquette calls for a pre-scene enema. This girl didn't know that rule. Nice expensive white couch gets introduced to a disgusting brown liquid surprise. Nothing funnier then a porn blooper. Poor girl, she was mortified. She got extra points in the entertainment category.

The Owner Of The Mansion:
He was this older gay Hollywood sugar daddy stereotype. His pool house was occupied by the prerequisite hunky poolboy and everything. He was really really angry about his once-white diarrhea couch covered in girl cum. That will be the last porn that gets filmed there. I know who is going sofa shopping tomorrow.

Anyway, that's my porn adventure. Watching 7 girl orgies is exhausting. I'm going to sleep.

Minus The Bear Lyrics:

Try to get some rest,
count backward from ten.
You've gone too long without sleep
I know you won't rest stressed, so give up, just give up.

And don't say no to pills,
Ativan won't kill.

You said, 'My life's like a bad movie,'
And I said, 'It's true of all us.'
You said, you said, 'I've got to wake up so fucking early,'
And I said, 'Maybe the directors turned on us.'

Outside the five sounds like the ocean,
relax, don't keep your eyes open.
Don't look at the clock,
your brain will never stop.

You said, 'My life's like a bad movie,'
And I said, 'That's true of all us.'
You said, you said, 'I've got to wake up so fucking early,'
And I said, 'Maybe the directors turned on us.'

Don't say no to pills,
Ativan won't kill.

Six Feet Under

Last night was the last episode of Six Feet Under.
Don't worry, I won't spoil anything in this post.

I've known those characters for over 6 years and hung out with them for at least 1 hour a week. Now they are gone. It's weird to have attachment with fictional people. like most people (I assume), I'm always a bit sad when I finish a good book. But the books that I like to read take me less then 6 years to read. It's more like a 1 night stand with a book. This TV show was more like a relationship. I guess that's why so many people are into the main character of that Bible book; it takes em forever to read it and they get really attached to the protagonist. They did a good job with the last episode. It must be difficult for writers to end a series, especially one so emotional and intense. I wonder how sad the writers were as they were writing it.

Afterwards I took a drive, breathed deep, and pondered the trite but true notion that we all will die. I adjusted my seat-belt and drove as safely as possible through the Hollywood Hills.


Monday, August 22, 2005

Goin Back to Cali

Plane ride home from Chicago went like this:

I sit in a window seat next to a 10 year old kid and his father. The kid and his father were NOT HAPPY that I was their traveling companion. They wouldn't even look at me. It was perfect, I wouldn't have it any other way. 1/2 way into the flight the kid and the dad fall asleep. The kid proceeds to lean over and use me as his pillow. He was out cold on my shoulder. I was playing my Play Station PSP thing so I let him sleep. It was pretty cute.


The fuckin kid starts farting in his sleep. Not just a couple of times. He kept fucking farting. It smelled... well, it smelled like you think it smelled. It was fucking foul. I was gunna wake him up, but didn't really see the point. I mean, he wouldn't have been able to un-fart and make it better. He prolly would have denied it and I would just seem like the freaky weirdo that I suppose I am. So it was a round trip fart fest for me. Ahhh the friendly skies!

Now for some sappy shout outs;

Much love to the Schu's for their omnipresent care and hospitality and for reminding me that I still have lots of family back home. Pretty soon there will be one more, and hopefully his name will be Razor.

Much love to the Beyers. It's impossible to describe how fortunate I feel that they are still in my life. Can't wait till they move out west!

There is nothing like old friends.


Friday, August 19, 2005

God Damn I'm Bored!

Got to Chicago safe and sound, thanks for askin.

Rented a convertible PT Cruiser (which sounds like a gay slut's nickname or an 80's metal band), and goddamn it's cool. Unfortunately, I have nowhere to drive it to this evening. Not too many of my friends are left here in the burbs. My hotel doesn't even have a bar. It also seems 2 hours earlier to due to the time change. FUCK I"M BORED!
Guess it's pills and bad hotel porn for me tonight. Actually, I'll bet this place doesn't have porn. I'm lucky it has internet access.

I'll shut my complainy pill-hole now and focus on other stuff that isn't whiny crying.

Watched more of Undeclared on the plane. All of the Freaks and Geeks guys are starting to make cameos as well as KG from Tenacious D and Stew The Meatman from Strangers With Candy. Haven't see David Cross yet but It's prolly just a matter of time. Yeah, so, every episode is funnier then the last. Just... go buy/rent it fuckers! Jeeze! Ok, I'm now officially finished preaching about this show.

Also, on the plane, the woman that sat next to me kept farting and I think it smelled like cinnamon buns. Is there some kind of new filter-scented underpants on the market? "Turn your intestinal problems into a fresh potpourri" or something. Or "Gee your colon smells terrific." Although this concept isn't all that funny, I'd totally buy it. And I'd buy it for all y'all as well.

Ok, time for pills and porn

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Some Stuffs To Dig On

Some cool shit to look out for:

Judd Apatow's Undeclared is out on DVD! Judd Apatow is the guy that created the too-good-for-TV masterpiece Freaks And Geeks. Many of the same characters from F.A.G are in Undeclared (unfortunately, I don't think "Bill" is). Judd Apatow is a fuckin genius!

Minus The Bear has a new album coming out soon. Dreamy swirly space rock! I love their sound so much, so full and busy while being melodic and intense. Everyone should give these guys a listen.

The American version of The Office is out on DVD. Steve Carell from The John Stewart Show is great as the boss. I warn you though, the stories are basically the same as the English version, which is a bit weird. They are both hysterical but for different reasons. My advice is to do your best to not compare the 2. Judge it on its own merit.

Oh yeah, if you happen to be in NW burbs of Chicago this weekend and find yourself at my mother's house, you'll see ME ;-)

-Clownboy out


I get a pretentious, pseudo-intellectual mailing list email from the most pretentious-ist, pseudo-intellectual-er-ist webboard that has ever graced the ISH (that's information super hi-way kiddies, I love calling it that. It feels good, like using the word, "rad"). The webboard that I'm speaking of was made to discuss and philosophize about the book "House Of Leaves" by Mark Z. Danielewski.

If you have not read it, at least go to the book store and flip through it. It's really unique and interesting looking. That alone will probably get you to buy it. The story is vivid and terrifying. It touches most people that read it with a cult-like voracity and inspires them to either write like a motherfucker or eat handfuls of pills to "re-normalize" themselves (sometimes both).

It definitely deserves it's own its own pretentious webboard.

Anyway, the email tells me that Mark Z. Danielewski is coming out with another book called, "Them." House Of Leaves fucked my brain up so bad that I'm kinda nervous to read the new one. I'm not sure when it's supposed come out, but I'll keep u posted.

Wow, that was a long-winded story about a tiny bit of news.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Potty Talk

Albeit boring, the fudge blog is back to being easier on the eyes (aka blk). Notice how I purposely dodged the AC/DC quote.

Potty Story:
The building that our office is in insists on locking the bathrooms. Everyone in the building either has their own key or uses some kinda gas station-esque key-on-a-hubcab kinda dealie.
I was washing my hands after a spectacular asparagus #1 (that's pee, if you are not aware of the excretion numbering system. Furthermore, poo is #2, and anything else that comes out of you is rarely numbered for some reason. Whatever. Everyone knows the fucking numbering system, I just wanted to talk about it a bit.)

I'm attending to my post #1 hygiene duties. Dudeman walks into the washroom, walks up to the urinal, puts his key on top of it, starts to pee, and then somehow the key manages to slide into the toilet.
He yells out the word, "fuck" (which you never do in the men's washroom), and completely startles me. He zips up and explains to me what happened.

If you are without a penis, you can't fully undersatnd the bizarre men's washroom rules, but I assure you yelling and talking are definitely 100% illegal.

So Dudeman is standing there all confused about his pee-key, looking to me for support. I, worried that the Bathroom Etiquette Police are about to storm the scene with ballgags, tell him to ditch the key, "fuckit they'll make more."
In what seemed like slo-mo, Dudeman rolls up his sleeve and snatches the key from the pee. My voice goes really deep and slow, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I tell him that this was my 3rd strangest sober bathroom experience and take off.
I didn't realize until now how absolutely gay that sounds.

-R.L. Fudge

Have you ever dropped anything important in the toilet? What did ya do?

Monday, August 15, 2005

Too Tired To Fudge

Yawn... g'night kiddies.


Sunday, August 14, 2005

Fudge Is Brown And I've Reached The Depths Of TV Geekdom

Yes the fudge blog is finally a fudgy brown. Don't hyperventilate with excitement.

Does anyone watch Six Feet Under? Anyone? Goddammit....
Out of respect I won't give anything away. FUCK!
The series finale is next sunday. The episode that was on tonight was so good. It made me feel so unbelievably uncomfortable on several occasions. I love it when TV is so intense that it tweaks out the brain chemicals that make you feel disconnected from actors on a screen. I'll bet that this episode wins awards.

I don't want to be dramatic but I was fucking freaking out. I was talking at the television, and twice I found myself yelling at it. It was so fucking intense that I'm not even embarrassed (and I know I probably should be). It's all about the writing. It always is about the writing.

And in other media...

I spent all day reading Kevin Smith's book "SIlent Bob Speaks." It's an essay compilation, and I can't put it down. Man, that guy can tell a fucking hilarious story. Laugh-out-loud-in-a-coffee-shop-full-of-strangers funny! If you have ever seen his "Evening with Kevin Smith" spoken word thing, it's more of that except in book-form. If you like stuff that's funny, and u like dick and fart stories, check his book out.

-Captain Fudge Pants

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I'm A Pretty Little Girl

My blog felt like changing clothes. It read somewhere (prolly on the internet) that "pink is the new black" or some shit like that. I'm so not into the color pink. I think my blog wants to be a pretty little girl. Whatever.

I went to Kevin Smith's comic book store in Westwood today. If you haven't been, it's this weird shrine to him and all of his creative endeavors. It has a million different action figures featuring characters from all of his movies in like 5 different sizes, and 3 different colors including, but not limited to; the black and white version, the glow in the dark version, and the colorized version. It has T-shirts and hats and lighters and posters and bumperstickers and magnets and lightswitch covers and underpants and catheter bags that have all of the catch phrases from all of his movies in any color that you could imagine. It has movie props from all of the movies. There are tons of flat screen monitors that play all of the movies over and over and over. The extra bonus is that every Kevin-related product is signed by him in silver pen.

Check out the massive balls on Kevin Smith;
he fucking made an action figure of himself. Not Silent Bob, his real persona. Just a dude with glasses, a T-shirt, shorts and checkered Vans. WTF? I guess when u are super rich and have a line of action figures, you would eventually get around to making a figure of yourself (and probably your friends).

I'd be into a Rick action figure. As far as accessories; It would come with a bunch of differnt black shirts that all look the same, a watermelon, interchangeable facial hair, and a pack of antacids. Kevin's didn't have any accessories.

What accessories would your action figure come with?

"I'm off like a dirty shirt" (Pretty In Pink quote, get it? Pink... nevermind.)

Friday, August 12, 2005

Coq Roq

I fucking love Burger King.

Yes I am a vegetarian. No I haven't eaten Burger King in way over 10 years.
Their attitude toward marketing is so unique for the mainstream.

If ya haven't seen it, their newest campaign is this punk rock band called, "Coq Roq." The band consists of 6 guys in really cool chicken masks (think the chicken version of Slipknot).

The commercials are pimping out some disgusting monstrosity called, "Chicken Fries," but that doesn't really matter.
Each commercial (so far I've seen 3) has a different heavy punk rock theme song. I think they kinda sound like Soundgarden at their heaviest, except with more... uhhh... chicken-intensive lyrical content.

This fake commercial band is so well-done that they come off as an MTV band. I won't be surprised when they start playing their songs in heavy rotation ( I mean fuck, they play Good Charlotte don't they).

I don't, by any means, think the band is great (or good for that matter), I just like the fact that a marketing company was hired that suggested this absurd idea and this massive family friendly business signed off on it to sell their processed chicken product (which, incidently is just a smaller version of a stupid fucking chicken finger, nothing new or improved).

Check out their site it's funny and has a really cool flash design with music and stuff:
  • Coq Roq

  • Also check out the dirty marketing controversy that these Coqs started:
  • I Love The Coq

  • Have a facial-filled weekend,

    Thursday, August 11, 2005


    Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
    What's the deal with all of this prevy unicorn stuff surfacing?

    I think it falls into the porn genre called, "Furry." Furry is basically a fantasy animal fetish, in which the animal usually has human qualities.

    I kinda get it I guess; 25 inch horse cocks are fascinating, Dungeons and Dragons is fascinating. Combine the 2 and uhhh, well, you know what u get.

    Medicine T senT me this link:
  • Cute Unicorns

  • If you like Unicorns, and you like dicks, here are the T-shirts for you!


    PS The Classic rock midi files are such a killer bonus!

    Wednesday, August 10, 2005

    Greatest Cartoon Ever

    Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
    This is the perfect movie.

    It's a movie with a cartoon plot, cartoon physics, cartoon violence, and cartoon humor, except it's not animated. Fucking brilliant. Get your ass to the video store and rent this movie now.

    It's all the fun of those Crouching Tiger-type movies without the weak melodrama.

    God damn, I'm gunna watch it again and again until I know Kung Fu. Then I'll kick your ass' ass.

    -Kung Jew

    Monday, August 08, 2005

    Some Points Of Interest

    Point of interest #1
    See a broad to get that bodiac lay'er down an' smack 'em yack 'em.
  • Jive Scene From Airplane

  • Do yourself a favor and download the .wav files.

    Point of interest #2
    Missy Elliot's newest album The Cookbook. She is the coolest, most talented woman in pop music. Period. Every song is just so...so... Immaculate. Perfect hooks, great beats, amazing flow. Get this CD.

    Point of interest #3
    Gay stormtoopers.
  • Gayish

  • Point of interest#4
    Chevelle will be here Sept. 16 and Her Space Holiday Sept. 18. Make your flight arrangements now.

    My fudge loves your fudge,

    Sunday, August 07, 2005


    Smoosh is a 2 girl power pop indy band from Seattle. Their songs are a bit saccharine coated, but not any more then most of the so-called punk bands that play the MTV Beach and Daterape Party or whatever they call it. To me the line between a good punk song and a good power pop tune is drawn at the singer. I can go on a long tirade about how most popular music has roots in powerpop, and how all bands are related to the Posies or Jellyfish within less then 6 degrees, but that's not the point of this post.

    The point of this post is Smoosh.
    Yeah so the thing about Smoosh is that the 2 girls in the band are 9 and 11 years old. The fascinating thing about them is they are good. Real good. They have toured with all sorts of cool indy bands like Sleater-Kinney and Deathcab. Incidentally, they are on the same label as Jon Auer from the Posies. Check out their page and watch their "La Pump" video, it's catchy and cute.
  • La Pump Video

  • The kids are all right,
    -Supa Fudge

    (I stole that "the kids are all right" line from Chuck Klosterman who stole it from The Who and made a pun out of it. I like the pun a lot and thought it was appropriate. Credit where credit is due.)

    Friday, August 05, 2005

    It's... So... Beautiful!!!!!!!!

    Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
    Watermelon. The worlds most perfect food.

    If I had to choose 1 food to eat for the rest of my life, it would easily be watermelon. No question.

    Today, at the store I see this amazing thing;
    The Pocket Melon!!!!
    I put a frozen eggo waffle next to it so you can get some perspective as to how tiny it is. I don't know why putting a frozen eggo waffle next to stuff is the perfect barometer for perspective.

    It's as if mother nature came over for coffee and asked me to create my dream fruit!


    If you had to eat 1 food for the rest of your life what would it be? (don't be practical and choose something healthy so u live longer, choose a food that you can see yourself eating every day for every meal forever.)

    Thursday, August 04, 2005

    Putting The P in Pants

    A porn star, a hooker, an actress, and 2 Jews walk into a bar...

    The bar was Skybar. We had a long discussion about peeing and shitting in ones pants as an "adult." The perfect conversation for a club like that if the goal was to alienate all the model and actor wannabes within a 10 foot radius. It didn't start off as our goal, I swear.


    I, for one, have done neither in my pants since as long as I can remember (which doesn't mean much, I have a horrible memory). It's really a shame because all drunken pants peeing or shitting stories are really funny.

    So I ask my odd group of stereotypes if they have done either. Here are the highlights:
    The pornstar looks at me and says, "well... I've never, uh, pissed myself." Then she starts giggling. That's 1 for poo.
    The hooker says that she's peed on other people, but never herself (she didn't mention poo or scat).
    The actress was semi-ironically in the bathroom for most of this conversation.

    The score ended up being 1 for poo, which I never would have predicted. Not 1 loss of bladder control. Not 1 tickle incident. Not 1 "couldn't hold it 1 second more" story. Weird.

    So I have a couple of questions for the few people that read this blog;
    A. Have you ever done #1 or #2 in your trousers as an "adult"
    B. Can u think of a punchline for the 1st line of this post?


    Where the Fuck Is the Fast Forward Button?

    Only 25 days to go till she's home.

    Tuesday, August 02, 2005

    Sharon Tate's Baby

    Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
    Went to dinner with Bill last night. Bill is the collector of shrunken heads, animal anomalies, mummies, and pretty much anything from history that has a really cool story. His biggest claim to fame is buying the Niagara museum and finding the Ramses I mummy in the basement. He is one of the most interesting people that I've ever met.

    He told a story about his most recent acquisition;
    The memoirs and scrapbooks of Sharon Tate's "Biggest Fan" (who I'll now refer to as "The Fan, because I don't remember his name).

    Sharon tate was a famous actress/model that appeared in Valley of The Dolls. She was also married to actor/writer/director Roman Polanski. But really, anyone that is reading this prolly knows her best as the woman murdered by the Manson gang. You know, "Helter Skelter" and all that stuff.

    Anyway, The Fan documented EVERYTHING about her life and death. Bill said that the books were 7 feet tall when stacked.

    After her murder is, of course, where it got interesting;

    He started to obsessively write letters to Manson and the Manson family. Most of them were returned to him unopened (either Manson refused the mail or the cops refused to give it to him). But there were a few that got to different members of The Family, and a few replies. All of which were in the scrapbook. Some still remain unopened.

    Bill actually opened one of the Manson replies and said that it was mostly Charlie telling The Fan that he (Charlie) was free in his mind whereas The Fan was the one that is jailed, trapped, obsessing about a dead "pig" his whole life. There's definately some sanity in crazyness.

    The Fan proceeded to get some kind of press credentials and attend all of the Manson Family trials and hearings. He meticulously documented all of it with photos. He had (prolly stole) the gruesome police photographs from the day of her murder (which are also in the scrapbook).

    He sent flowers to her resting place every year for almost 30 years, which is documented by receipts and photos of her grave with the flowers and a newspaper proving the date.

    Here is what I find most fascinating about the whole thing; One day (prolly with the help of a doctor and much medication) The Fan decided to sell it all and cleanse himself of the obsession.
    Bill bought it.

    The Fan is still alive, works as a janitor in Guelph Onterio, and lives in a 400 square foot apartment with his gay lover.

    Real life is always way more fucked up then fiction.



    Sat next to the Olson Twins in a coffee shop yesterday.
    They look like spider monkeys.
    That is all.


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