Wednesday, September 28, 2005

There's A Party In My Ears And You Are Invited

Here is what has been hanging out in my listen-holes:

Grandaddy - Excerpts From The Diary Of Todd Zilla
It's The Flaming lips meets Pink Floyd, (which is to say that just kinda sounds like Flaming Lips). Really good dreamy songs that will prolly be on soundtracks of movies that feature Zach Braff or Scarlet Johanson.

Clinic - Winchester Cathedral
The problem with Radiohead is that they make you want to either do lots of drugs or kill yourself. Their muisic isn't fun to just passively listen to. Enter Clinic. Soothing and heavy at the same time. Busy and intricate. A good mix of organic and electronic. I would tour them with Radiohead the same way that I would tour Chevelle with Tool (which, I wouldn't. It was just an example, fucko).

Jack's Mannequin - Everything In Transit
Something Corporate's singer's solo stuff. Can't stop listening to it. Catchy like chicken pox and just as itchy. It lets you fade in and out and every time you fade back in you catch a clever lyric or brilliant hook. Hours later, at random times, you need to hear it like you need a cigarette in a movie theatre.

Dillenger Escape Plan - Caluclating Infinity
LOUD, brutal, intricate! Is is Math-metal? Is it the soundtrack you would use to run over pedestrians with your SUV, then back up and do donughts on their mangled near-corpses while drinking blackberry brandy from a 711 big gulp cup? Is it the music Mike Patton should be making now? The answer is YES!

Jello Biafra and the Melvins - Seig Howdy
Blistering live version of kali-fornia Uber alles. Jello is a legend, some would say that The Melvins are legends in their own right. What more do u need?

Have some. Enjoy.
DJ Dick

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
Speakin of dildo wranglin:
No we didn't use this on the shoot. Yes I do want one. I think I'd want a red one or a, uh... horse-colored one.


My 1st Porno

Dildo Wrangler (Dill doe rang ler)

1. One who argues noisily or angrily about sex toys.
2. One who is in charge of dispensing and cleaning dildos on a porn shoot.

The porn shoot went swimmingly. I am now officially a porn producer/director (not a dildo wrangler). Won't mom be proud. The girls looked great, the sex was hot, the catering table had pumpkin squares and watermelon.

Note: Girls look fucking ridiculous wearing strap-on dildos (with balls). Big floppy pink and blue translucent phalluses (with balls). Actually, they don't look much sillier then the real thing. Cocks are just funny looking. There is little dignity in balls.

We shoot again on Thurs. After meeting and working with the actresses I realize that I need to revise my script so the there is even less dialog (not that there is a lot, I just need even less). These girls are NOT spokes-models they are porn stars.

"I might start slinging bean pies!"
-Mr. R. Shaw, Pornographer

Friday, September 23, 2005

The Porn Is A Flowin'

So Monday is our first non-test girl-girl high-definition porn shoot. All of my scene dialogue, direction, props, and overall "homework" is done. As of now we have both actresses confirmed as well as make-up artists, assistants, video editors, catering, and your momma. The only thing we are missing at this time is an extra girl, in case one of the main girls flake out. Hopefully, she will be booked this weekend. Ya know, I think I may like coordinating, writing, and scripting all of this stuff more then the actual shooting, but we'll see.

The details of what we are shooting is actually very intricate and unique. We have recently filed a bunch of patents, so I'm not going to give away any of our secrets. We are basically doing a high budget (high budget for porn) interactive green screen production with special effects and such. This is going to be so much fucking fun.

Prolly no posting until Tuesday. I'll try to take some behind-the-scenes pix for you blog monkeys.

Have a "squish mitten" filled weekend!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

The Ham Wallet

It doesn't get lower brow then The Bloodhound Gang. They make me feel like I'm 8 years old laughing at dick jokes and swear words. I fuckin love it! It just amazes me that something so brilliantly clever can be so base and stupid? The songs are really catchy, mainly because they are samples and borrowed melodies of songs that you already know very well. The lyrics are a mix of dick jokes and more pop culture references then an episode of Family Guy. As you prolly know, the singer's voice can be annoying, but he definitely has interesting and unique flow and phrasing. Their new album is called "Hefty Fine." Here are the lyrics to their 1st single, enjoy:

Lyrics to: Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Vulcanize the whoopee stick
In the ham wallet

Cattle prod the oyster ditch
With the lap rocket

Batter dip the cranny ax
In the gut locker

Retrofit the pudding hatch
Ooh la la
With the boink swatter

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I brazillian wax poetic so pathetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Marinate the nether rod
In the squish mitten

Power drill the yippee bog
With the dude piston

Pressure wash the quiver bone
In the bitch wrinkle

Cannonball the fiddle cove
Ooh la la
With the pork steeple

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I brazillian wax poetic so pathetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where pronto


Interesting quote by Elvis Costello, "Writing about music is like dancing to architecture."
Guess he never reviewed a Bloodhoud Gang CD on his blog or slowdanced to the Sears Tower. Pussy.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


Ya know how Marilyn Manson used to put on his rubber dick underpants and pretend to have sex with people. Wow, how shocking.
Tatu featured 2 semi-attactive underage "lesbian" school girl products that were contractually bound to kiss for the camera.
Then there was a void...

Enter: Rockbitch

6 semi-attractive goth wannabe pornstars/rockstars and 1 guy (who some would consider to be the luckiest guy in gothland). One of my designers gave me their DVD today.

Here's my little Q and A, just in case u have questions about this band:

Q: Could I expect to see the Pee Pees in their stage antics?
A: Why yes, the Pee Pees will be there.

Q: What aboot the poos?
A: I didn't see any #2s, but I only scanned through the DVD real quickly-like.

Q: I'm sick of bands that just finger each other on stage, does Rockbitch lube up 4 fingers and a thumb?
A: Yes there is fisting, but only during guitar solos.

Q: I hate porn but I love naked lesbian goth music, what's their music like?
A: It's extremely not not ungoodish.

Q: Sure dude, I like lesbians, but are these lesbians fuckin hot or what?
A: look for yourself fratboy Rockbitch

Q: Wouldn't it be cool if the guy that plays in Rockbitch was named "Beast?"
A: Yup, Beast is his name.

That's that. Check out Rockbitch's rock, bitch.

-Rickbitch \\m//

Monday, September 19, 2005

It's Not Racist, It's Just Fact

This post is in response to claims that the picture in my previous post below is racist:

First of all, everybody knows that milk comes from the big fake breasts of a white Catholic woman from the Midwest who later moved to the west coast to start her modeling career.

Lemonade originates from the bladder of an Italian sit-up champion named Mary Marcantoni. It was originally served frozen and called "Italian Lemonade" but since it's departure from the arctic temperatures of Italy, it melted and became plain old "lemonade."

Finally, Fudge is indeed made from a Brooklyn company called “Ghetto Booty.” The main headquarters of Ghetto Booty is not ironically around the corner from the NY Lemonade factory.

Hope this clears it all up.

-R. Shaw

Friday, September 16, 2005

So, Where Did You Say The Fudge Got Made ?

Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
around the corner.... right.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

New Job Applicants

Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.
Hollywood draws such a colorful concentration of characters and freaks! It seems that our ads looking for graphic designers do the same thing. I really do love it here!

Applicant #1: The photo ad of the old man in the cowboy hat came yesterday. His name is Johnny Holiday. God damn, I've been racking my brain for a justifiable reason to hire him for something... anything.

Applicant #2: The original bass player for Marilyn Manson wants a job. I'm not so into his design, but once again, I'm doing my best to find a place for him here.

I will eventually get this office to a respectable freak-show status. Oh yes I will!


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Love This One!

Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.

Got A Scanner

and I scanned some pics that were collecting dust.

Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.

Lets break this pic down, shall we:

The hat. Not much to say about a brown corduroy hat that it is not saying itself, LOUDLY. Next...
The braids with green rubberbands. Many girls stopped talking to me becuse I'd beg them to braid my hair every week or so. It's rough having a Jew-fro and wanting long hair.
The Tori Amos shirt/necklace combo. I am and was a sensitive motherfuker.
The blue striped clown shirt. It had to have been Matt's cause I don't remember it at all. We were both clowns even back then.
Black nailpolish. I liked to paint my nails when I was on drugs. It makes you very aware of your hands.

In the forefront of the pic, it none other then the one called Piss. The background has a guy called Billy.
Wow was that really 10 years ago? I'll post some more gems.


Friday, September 09, 2005

Up To Speed, Down Too Slow

Here are some highlights from the last few days so that we are all up to speed;

1. Jason got married.
2. Chuck is the Pickle King
3. Worlds largest colon growth at the mutter museum was FANTASTIC!
4. Stopped over in San Francisco. It looks like bulding-shaped dominoes.
5. Drank Martinis with Kyle's lady-friend. She is lovely.
6. Met a homless "Master Poet" named Osirus. He called me a "rapscallion."
7. Saw the Golden Gate Bridge, Fisherman's Warf, Haight/Ashbury
8. Donald Roller Wilson
9. Got a copy of the new Coheed & Cambria disk. It's very interesting.
10 Pumpkin-flavored stuff is starting to come back in season.

That's all.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Joke (or something):

5 doctors, the self-proclaimed Pickle King, and a pornographer walked into a bar...

Well actually, we walked into a bunch of them. Last night we took Jason out for a few pre-wedding drinks. it was fun to hang out again (it's been about 5 years). I am slightly torn-up. The wedding is today.

Gotta go check out the Mutter museum before it gets too late. I'll check in later. The grrl will take lots of pics.


BTW, The Pickle King is Chuck Neuman. He owns The Puckered Pickle Company. Great name. ;-)

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Quick Hello And Stuff

Flight to Philly #1: 45 min into it, the captain says that there is a "landing gear malfunction." Those 3 words are only remotely funny when they are describing a kickstand problem on a 10-speed bike, and even then they are pretty lame. Fortunately the landing gear wouldn't retract and not the opposite. We had to turn around, go back to LA and "deplane" (RIP Herve).

Chilling at LAX for 3 more hours...

New-improved super special secret flight to Philly #2: Smooth and slimy like Buffalo Mozzarella in jogging pants!

Goddamn it will be nice to not be in/on/or near an airplane for at least a day or 2.

We also changed our travel plans to include a 2 night San Fancisco visit. I'll finally get to meet Kyle's lady-friend (if there really is one).

I hope all is well with you guys.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

From Child Star To Porn Star

Dudeman, applies for our video editor position. This is, to date, my favorite job candidate. The spelling was atrocious, the font was not consistent, and the font size was all over the place, everything was random. I'm not going to tell you his name, but he was a working actor in the 80's. Very little of his email had anything to do with the job that we posted. Here are the highlights:

He boasts that he was an actor and "teen heartthrob." He was on that early 80's lesbian downsyndrome show "Facts Of Life." He was in that Chachi-has-telekinesis movie, "Zapped" (with celebrity weight loss reality show psycho Willy Aimes).

He submitted his model/acting portfolio website as an example of his design work. It featured model-mulleted Fabio-style photos that were clearly 20 years old. No casting director would EVER believe that the pics were current. It made me pee a little.

He submitted his personal "Best Of" amateur porn reel. It is a series of poorly lit, short snippets of him on top of some yawning-bored women. All you can really see is ass moving up and down. The same camera angle is employed in each snippet. I imagine that the movies were taken with a hidden cam that was on his dresser or something.

This is my favorite; He finished off his cover letter with this quote, "I came from main stream as an actor / teen idol who starred in many features and TV series... I’m not into the gay thing, I love women too much."
How is he gunna write that on a job application?

Fuck I love Hollywoodland!

The Grrl and I are going to Philly tomorrow for Dr J's wedding. Prolly talk to you peeps upon my return.

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