Its a love affair, mainly Jesus and my hot fudge

Listen Up Motherfukers!

2006-10-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

Copy this fucking link, right fucking now: www.motionographer.com/media/battle_adbands-w.mov

Paste that fucking link in your fucking browser!

Hit enter Bitch!

Now marvel at the genius! It may not get any fucking cooler then this ever!

Yeah!

Better Off Dead

2006-09-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

Is Better Off Dead The best movie ever made? Prolly not, but after seeing it just now, I'd be willing to argue it's greatness. I'll do so in list form:

1. John Cusack. I don't really have to expound on this one. Not liking John Cusack is like not liking chocolate. If you don't like Cusack or chocolate, then you have problems and we have beef!

2. The quotes. This movie is quotable from begining to end. There is so many classic lines in this flick, that many of them became common phrases in the suburban town that I grew up in. Truly quotable comedies are a vehicle that has been long replaced with shock comedies. "Shock" is a crutch, "clever" takes time and creativity. It's all about the writing.

3. Sweaters! Every person in the flick is sweater-clad. If you are the kind of person that appreciates a good 80's sweater, or if you work for a movie studio in the wardrobe department, you will be reeling at the handsome simplicity of the 100% sweater styles.

4. Van Halen's "everybody wants some." The hallucination of the claymation burger scoring his burger-chick, mixed with a Van Halen music video. It was good to see that the metal was represented in such a mainstream movie. Back in the day when metal was such a "fringe" interest, this was a bit of validation.

5. No cheap gay jokes. In almost every 80's comedy there were really offensive and lame homosexual jokes. That was always an unimaginative comic staple that promotes hate, intolerance, and bad stereotypes. The writers almost entirely stayed away from this weak and formulaic cliché.

6. Ricky's mom. That voice! I can still hear it. If Fran Drescher's voice is a 10 in the 1-10 annoyance scale, then Rickys mom's voice would also be a 10 (because you can't go past 10 in a 1-10 scale. But if you could, she would be a 30. You know what I mean.)

7. The 2 Asian Race car drivers. Remember, they pull up next to Cusack every time he's at a red light and want to race. The driver doesn't talk, the passenger talk's like Howard Cosell (which, incidentally, is a Rich Little's impersonation, overdubbed). Great random strangeness to these characters. I'm so surprised that newer kitchy nostalgic comedies (read: Family Guy) (or did they, and I subconsciously remember it) havn't used an updated version of thses guys as a shout out to the 80's.

8. The music that isn't Van Halen was seemingly forgettable until you watch it. I knew every song and most of the lyrics. It was also strangely comforting to watch E.G. Daily sing at the school dance. Do they make bad 80's movie song compilations? If not, why not? If so, Christmas is coming up ;-).

9. Curtis "Booger" Armstrong not being able to score drugs and snorting snow instead. I remember my friends and I all tried it after we saw the movie. "This is pure snow! It's everywhere! Have you any idea of what the street value of this mountain is?" Shit was hilarious to a 12 year old!

I could keep going on, but I won't. Do yourself a favor and watch this DVD. Make special note of how well it holds up to today's comedies, and how few 80's movies do that.

-R

Correction for XTX

2006-09-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

According to wikipedia (which IS on the internet, so it HAS to be correct):

"Dr Pepper's flavor is allegedly derived from a mixture of soda fountain flavors popular when the drink was first devised. A partial list of these flavors can be seen at the bottling plant in Dublin, Texas, although the formula itself (with its twenty-three ingredients) is a closely guarded secret. Contrary to a popular urban legend, Dr Pepper does not and never has contained prune juice."

Maybe it only contains prune puree, or the popular synthetic prune substitude "Proonoximal glycimide #78."

Either way it makes me poo.

A Few Things

2006-09-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

Carrot cake doesn't fucking taste like carrots.

Apple juice tastes NOTHING like apples, nor does it taste like the juice that comes out of them when you bite into them.

Butterfingers don't taste like butter, butterscotch, or peanut butter.

And there is prune juice in Dr. Pepper and it makes you poo.

Also...

Here's a pic of Sterling and Talia from this weekend's fire shoot.

When I eat fire, I'm all about simple mechanics. No burn = good. Sterling is a fire artist. He was truly inspiring.

It Goes To 11 And 3/4

2006-09-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

1st, music recommendations:

Ima Robot - Monument To The Masses
standout song - "Creeps Me Out"
I always wondered why these guys are not super famous. They are great musicians, they are good song writers, they are clever, and they have enough 80's kitsch to be fun but not too much to make them annoying. I guess they are too eclectic for record labels to properly market. Think Bowie meets T-Rex with 80's keyboards, and LA party lyrics. Can't stop listening to it.

Union Of Knives - Violence And Birdsong
standout song - "Opposite Direction"
Sounds like Failure + Depeche Mode + Radiohead -depression
I think they have 3 singers; 2 male and 1 female whose voices are all distinctly different but work amazing together. Go get this album now, you won't regret it.

Slayer - Christ Illusion
standout song - "Jihad"
Yeah I know, everyone's heard that same song that they have been playing for like 20 years. They have been so true to their formula it's hard to distinguish one song from the next or 1 album from the next. The thing that separates Christ Illusion from their previous releases is that they started experimenting with interesting vocal melodies. Tom Araya's voice is so unique in the speed metal, cookie monster vocal world, in that you can decipher every single sacrilegious word that he says. So loud and aggressive, it's good to know that Slayer will always be there when u need them.

Jeremy Enigk - World Waits
Standout song - They are all spectacular
The singer/lyricist/poet that fronted the legendary Sunny Day Real Estate, returns with his 1st solo release in 10 years. This one is less "chamber-music-y" (read: no orchestra), but god damn can this guy write songs. The ease at which he delivers the most tortured sentiments gives me chills. His lyrics are intense poetry which are meticulously thought-out and have no wasted words or cliches. He has even been known to make up his own words for things he can't conveniently describe. His point of view is so heart-wrenchingly original and inspiring. Truly one of my favorite vocalists/lyricists of all time. go to http://www.myspace.com/jeremyenigk to hear some songs. Dig it!

And and and...
I bought my 1st electric guitar yesterday! It's so beautiful! Unfortunately it didn't come with skill or talent (trust me, I searched the case), but now, at least I can play like shit REALLY LOUDLY.

Here's some pics:

Weird Experience

2006-09-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, an applicant came in for the Limo Driver position for D. There was no room for the Office Manager to conduct the interview, so I let him do it in my office. He was a nice, soft-spoken 30 year old skinny white guy in tie. Had lots of limo experience, and was eager to work. Then he informed us that there was something that he was required to tell us: he's an ex felon and he recently had been released. Office manager and I kinda shrugged and said that people make mistakes. Who am I to judge someone that got busted with some drugs or whatever. Then he tells us that he was caught with child pornography, "only a few pictures," he said.

My 1st instinct was anger. Thoughts of little kids getting destroyed and scarred, creating that infinite cycle of abuse. Thoughts of playground prowler rapists. I thought about almost every girl that I knew that got fucked up due to some despicable weak motherfucker.

I don't think it is legal for me to ask him any of the details, and I really wasn't feeling receptive to an explanation anyway. I just wanted him out of my office.

He left. I checked my email and as usual had a bunch of spam. I have been in the porn business for over 7 years and get more spam then any 10 people that you know. I use it to monitor what our competition is doing. Anyway, I checked my mail and saw an email that had "really young girl" references in the subject line. In the porn world, "really young" usually means 40 year old women in pigtails and school girl outfits, but sometimes, unfortunately, it means what it says. Either way I report them all to the ASACP.

If I would have clicked on the link provided in the email, and it took me to a REAL young girl site, then I would have child porn in the cache on my computer. I could, quite possibly, get in catastrophic trouble. Perhaps, the same exact catastrophic trouble that the unfortunate applicant got in. I thought about the fact that the only difference between him and I may just be that I chose not to click that link.

Anyway, just thought I'd share this weird experience and give you all the ASACP link.

-R

4th Row, Center

2006-09-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

"Fuck retro-anything, fuck your tattoos, fuck all you junkies, and fuck your short memories."
He sang that verse 6 times in a row, each time slower and more condescending then the last, until He was just speaking it loudly and enunciating incorrect syllables.

He made a sarcastic theme: being constantly concerned for the LA "VIPs", which sounded even more snide coming from beneath His fake handlebar moustache, cop sunglasses, and cowboy hat.

The band's stage configuration was even spiteful; guitar and bass up front, drums in the middle, and He positioned himself in the back, almost behind the drums.

Because He was doing us a favor by being there, He didn't break a sweat.

They didn't play any of the songs that got them famous. Nothing that has a music video.

After playing for about an hour, the whole band stopped, put their instruments down, sat on a riser in the middle of the stage, and watched the audience yell and scream. They teased the audience, making them beg for more music, for about 10 demeaning minutes.

I looked around and suddenly felt like I was in an abusive relationship. The kind where there are all sorts of heart-felt justifications and excuses for inexcusable actions. I felt cheap and used. They made it really clear that we were there because we needed them, and made it very clear that they didn't like us.

Now that I've harshly critiqued all these details, step back and think about the level of skill and charisma needed to accomplish the task of alienating 50,000 people, while, at the same time, making them your submissive bitches. Call it sort of mass brainwashing or social manipulation on a grand scale.

Much like every other person there, I completely fell for it. All of it. I felt violated, sore, and raw. I still feel that way 24 hours later. However, I am in love with the fact that music can have this kind of power. The power to hurt, the power to control, and most importantly the power to make people examine the darkest most painful parts of themselves and walk away stronger.

I will always pay to participate in this kind of cathartic soul rape. I will always walk away bulletproof. It just may take some time to get there.

-R

The 1st Grrl-less Weekend.

2006-09-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

The Grrl is holiday-ing in that all-inclusive, sun-drenched, heavily hyphenated resort-town we call Canadia. I am trying to keep myself busy to make the days go by quicker, which means drinking and TV/guitar/video game marathons.

Fri night
Hit 6 bars in Silverlake, including the Tiki Ti, which is LA's oldest tropical drink cantina. I made friends with the owner, who's father opened the place in 64. He told us the history of tropical drinks, about "Old Hollywood," and seeing the beatles perform.
We also went to a burlesque club, a strip club (for about 30 seconds), saw a shitty band at starland, a french bistro, and a dark hole in the wall without a sign. I assure you, much drunkeness ensued

Sat night
Went to an interesting birthday/charity house party. There were go-go dancers, models, actors, a great fire show, and these amazing acrobats. The acrobats are called "Realis." Here's a You Tube video of them when they performed on America's Got Talent (however, they were naked when they performed at the party):
(scrub past the talking at the beginning to see the action)

America's Got Talent- Realis (Finale)

Sunday was really low key, watched season 3 of Nip/Tuck on DVD. HOLY SHITNESS! That show is fucking intense. I forgot how much I liked it.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a good holiday weekend.
-R

K- Diggity

2006-08-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

Guess this is a tribute post of sorts. My boy K just returned from spending his summer in Istanbul or Abu Dhabi or Honduras or where ever the fuck he went. He sent me these photos. The mac camera effects never get old. Like having funhouse mirrors at your fingertips.

Miss u K-man!

-R

Moishe Chewbaccaberg

2006-08-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

Umm speaking of the chosen people:
Who's Jewish in rock

Don't forget to take the Jew or Not quiz!

Q: What's the difference between Karate and Judo?
A: You make bagels out of Jew Dough

(yeah, fine, the joke doesn't really work on paper, but it works if you tell it out loud. Kinda)

-R

What's up fuckers and fuckettes!

2006-08-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been around, been dealing with chaos. Here's the short of it:

The dog underwent a series of tests, pokes, and prods at the doggie oncologist. Last night we were informed that his cancer removal was a success and that there is no more cancer in him at this time (according to the tests). He was, however, prescribed a bunch of meds and a special medicated shampoo which needs to be administered daily (which is a blessing in disguise, because he usually smells like nappy dog, now he smells like shampoo).

We shoot our 2nd high budget production next tues. This time we are shooting the "All American" blonde Playboy girl. We are trying to be diverse with our model selection (both style-wise and ethnicity). Although she's not my type, I do think she's very pretty, and I think she will appeal to the masses (prolly better then the tattoo girl).
Here she is, what do u think:

D's birthday is Saturday. He has an absolutely ridiculous evenning planned involving only the most obscene hollywood decadence. I've purposely avoided getting the details so I can properly bug out when appropriate.

Here's some music that I've been obsessing over:
Jeremy Enigk - World Waits
Velvet Teen - Cum Laude
Asobi Seksu - Citrus
Woven Hand - Mosiac
Lady Sovereign - Vertically Challenged

Oh yeah, watch this for about an hour, then close your eyes and listen to it for another 3 or four hours. Have you ever loved and hated anything so passionately at the same time (can u say "Big Jilm")?

Here's the lyrics, you know, just in case:

Jatsu tsappari dikkari dallan
tittari tillan titstan dullaa,
dipidapi dallaa ruppati rupiran
kurikan kukka ja kirikan kuu.

Ratsatsaa ja ripidabi dilla
beritstan dillan dellan doo.
A baribbattaa baribbariiba
ribiribi distan dellan doo.

Ja barillas dillan deia dooa
daba daba daba daba daba duvja vuu.
Baristal dillas dillan duu ba daga
daiga daida duu duu deiga dou.

-R

Adventures In Erotica Part 1

2006-07-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

We shot our first Orgasmgirl this week. There were 2 days of HD video, using dollys, steadycams, and overhead jib cams. We shot an additional 1/2 day on green screen, and a day and 1/2 of stills. There was a crew of about 20- 25 people and so many lights that they required an automobile-sized power generator to light them. Our studio quickly turned into a convection oven and baked us at smoldering 120 degrees for 4 days.

It was worth it because all of the footage was spectacular! It was amazing, she was amazing. I'm too exhausted to get into details so I'll post a pic:
(I highly recommend clicking on the pic to enlarge it)

What do u guys think of her?

-R

PS. I'll post more pix when I get a chance.

I'm Upgrading The Dog

2006-07-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a lot about Biomechanics. Contrary to popular belief, it's quite simple. They throw in a bunch of scientific jargon in order to make it seem more cerebral, but in reality it's more like putting together one of those Visible Man models - you follow the easy directions and it turns out fine.

I found the "Make Your Own Bionic Dog" directions on the internet. 14 easy steps and your dog will be better than he was before, Stronger, Faster, etc....

Step 1 is installing a zipper. The zipper will allow easy access to exchange organs with gears and electronics and such (which are unfortunately on backorder from Amazon.com). So last night the Grrl and I put in the zipper (pictured below). She thinks I did a sloppy job, but I think I did pretty well for my 1st crack at surgery. We'll see who's sloppy when Crispin is fighting crime and flying and shit.

Step 2 involves replacing his right lung with something..., but the website with the directions was down so the page went 404 (page not found). I may just wing it and throw in some of the cool parts that I ordered, if Amazon ever gets their shit together and sends em. Until then I'll prolly just stuff some poo bags and maybe a spare lighter and my ipod up in there, purely for convenience. I'll keep u posted as to when the bionic parts arrive.

-R

If any of you have any good ideas for cool stuff for me to install in the dog, pls let me know.

Surreal Weekend

2006-07-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

So far, our stay in LA has been tumultuous, to say the least, mainly due to the Grrl's illnesses. As of late, she has been feeling good, which allows us to truly experience what this fucked-up place has to offer. This weekend we attempted to make up for times lost. Dig it:

Fri night:
8:30 - dinner at our friend Carry Simon's new restaurant; Simon LA. It's located in the newly renovated Sofitel Hotel, across from the Beverly Center. His food and atmosphere are amazing! Yes this is a shameless plug, I highly recommend checking it out.

10:00 - we go to a fashon show which is being put on by a Playboy Playmate, who wants to shoot with us. Unfortunately there were some promotional difficulties with the show and she pulled out at the last minute. We got to hang out with her and her reality show camera crew (does everyone have a reality show now?) for a little while, and then took off so she could deal with the canceled show aftermath chaos.
This is her. Do u think we should shoot her?:

10:45 - Went to a lipstick lesbian fetish club that was being hosted by the model that we are planning on shooting next week. We got to "tresspass' into a world where men don't belong, like a foreign dignitary from the land of penis. There were semi-nude trapeze artists, girls getting flogged on iron crosses, and table dancers. The club looked like a music video. It was pretty much every boy's fantasy land, except none of the women had any intrest in men.

11:30 - The adjoining club had a goth fashion show, which was really interesting. The Grrl will have some pics up on her blog, I'm sure. I even met an Ozzy Impersonator.

Here is a pic of the girl we are planning on shooting next week, what do u think of her:

here is me and the Ozzy Impersonator:

1:45 - Damian got us in to this "exclusive" after-hours club called Xenni. It is the most LA event that I've ever experienced. Here's the deal: If you are male, you must have a membership to enter. Memberships are EXTREMELY RIDICULOUSLY ENORMOUSLY expensive. Completely unjustifiable unless u r a millionaire, which I am not. Females get in free. So the dynamic ends up being: rich hollywood guys and women that want to meet rich hollywood guys. Aside from the nauseating pretense, the setting was amazing. It was held in a football field-sized studio soundstage, with 30 foot tall movie screens covering one wall (which was like a block long). There were trippy projections on the screens, professional dancers, open bars, and food. We didnt stay for too long, but long enough to digest the experience.

Sat night:
We went to the Key Club to see a my pyrotechnician friend do a fire eating, fire blowing performance at a Psychobilly music showcase. Unfortunately due to club politics and a precident set by an ill-fated Great White concert, my friend was canceled. In true punk rock fashion, he said "fuck you" and took the show outside where he did a private performance for us and a few lucky passers by. The Grrl got some great pics!

We survived this insane weekend without puking, getting arrested, or being severely burned. I couldn't do it all the time, but it's nice that LA really stepped up and showed us some color.

-R

Oh yeah, pls tell me what you honestly think of the 2 girls that I posted? Should we shoot em?

Kitler

2006-07-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

Was gunna sarcasticly write about comedic value of Hitler's mustache, but realized that it was superflous, considering the fact that this Cats That Look Like Hitler website did it for me without even talking about Hitler at all.

Have a lovely weekend kiddies!
-R

The Nick Andopolis 32 piece kit

2006-07-13T19:27:00.000-07:00

Not really.

It's Terry Bozzio's. He played drums for Frank Zappa, Missing Persons, Deborah Harry, Steve Vai, Duran Duran, Dokken, and Richard Marx, if I can name drop a little. Pls enlarge the pic to get the full effect.

-R

Syd Barrett Dead at 60

2006-07-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

LONDON-- Syd Barrett, the troubled Pink Floyd co-founder who spent his last years in reclusive anonymity, has died, the band said Tuesday. He was 60.

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Now theres a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the
Steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger, you legend,
You martyr, and shine!

*sigh*

Proof That The Christian God Exists, And Is Really Into Homoerotic Undertones

2006-07-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm reading between the lines, but see for yourself:
(you have to sit through the nikon commercial before the movie plays)

http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/32362/Athiest_s_Nightmare.html
(Sorry for not hotlinking. Cut and paste, bitches)

PS. I think I'm starting to develop sexual feelings for Kirk Cameron. Is that so wrong?

-R

These things can't really be zero carbs

2006-07-03T14:21:00.000-07:00

Happy almost 4th of July kiddies!

-R

\\m//

2006-06-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while the respectable punk/indy rock music geek that I've become reverts back to less respectable Jew-froed highschool heavy metal rawk \\m// geek that I was/am. This is one of those times.

So watch as I now alienate everyone who reads my blog, except Matt.

Found the page that has downloadable mp3s of all of the Love/Hate albums (it won't let me hotlink them, for some reason. Cut and paste, you lazy fucker)- http://oldftp.cableone.net/pdiamanti/lh_page.html.

Found lots of downloadable Love/Hate concerts @ - http://oldftp.cableone.net/pdiamanti/more.htm

Found mp3s of Skid's new band Devil Party Anthems, Inc.

Found a website that allows you to download live Metal shows in their entirety.

Oh yeah, check out Dr. Steel, he's handsome.

Here's my small rant about Metal:
It's funny how metal became kitsch in the past few years. Teen models in their ironic ripped and Bedazzled Iron Maiden shirts, The Darkness and everything about them, Scott Ian and Sebastian Bach starring in or hosting every VH1 program, David Lee Roth with his own radio show, Gene Simmons reality show, Operation Mindcrime 2, there's even a heavy metal joke band that sells out the Key Club every single monday.

Most genre's of music do not have big "ironic" resurgences, most don't have any kind of resurgence at all. Why metal? I think it's because music doesn't have and real rockstars anymore. The sad, self-loathing, millionaire musician is getting old and less believable. The shock rocker has lost his edge, because (thanks to the internet) we are pretty much unshockable. Now we pay $90 to see computerized lights, smoke, video projectors, and fire, while the band hides in the backgroud doing their mundane job of sounding as much like a recording as possible. It's my opinion that metal is on a resurgence because it reminds us that music used to involve showmanship, crazy costumes, and drama. You know, entertainment.

-R

Adventures in Pug Pudding

2006-06-25T18:11:00.000-07:00

The words "too much information" are often used to describe personal (read: "gross") stuff that people really wanna hear, but feel guilty that they wanna hear it. Yes there are always exceptions. Some people don't wanna hear about the sloppy blowjob that you gave to that tranny hooker last night, but I sure the fuck do. Some people don't wanna hear about your irritable bowel accident in the swimming pool, I am not one of those people. Anal sex bloopers - bring em on. Blood in your urine - fascinating. You like to be shat upon - I'm a good listener. Your dog ate a used condom - text message me the details. Walked in on your parent's gangbang brunch - show me the hi-res pictures. What can I say, I'm an un-gross-out-able pornographer that finds the most intimate and disgustipating human and animal experiences extremely interesting.

So in that vein, I'm gunna tell you about all the glorious fun that's been coming outta my dog for the past 24 hours.

2:00 am Sunday - awoke to pug hummus on the carpet in the living room. I learned that the less u r wearing when u are dealing with feces, the more disgusting it is.

3:30 am - more of the same. This time I put on some clothes to clean the mess.

3:45 am - still plunging the paper towel-clogged toilet

5:00 am - Deja poo, except I need to find new clothes to wear, because, for some reason, I deem the clothes that I wore when I cleaned up the last batch unwearable due to the close poo proximity principle.

6:00 am - The pug decides to shit the bedroom floor instead of the living room. New clean clothes again. I have a headache.

7:30 am - The job is getting easier, becase he is "running on fumes" so to speak. I'm running out of poo cleaning clothes.

10:30 am - Wake up the Grrl, who has been sleeping soundly all night. She calls the vet, I call the hardware store to rent a carpet shampooer.

2:00 pm - The vet gave us special food and 2 kinds of medication. She also gave me a vial to capture some of the excrement for lab testing. We also went and picked up the rug shampoo Zamboni.

4:30 pm - More shit in the bedroom. It's a blessing in disguise because I needed to get the sample for the vet, and it's more convenient to get the sample locally then "in the wild." It was also less of an issue because I was already dressed and have the Zamboni poised and ready.

That pretty much brings us up to date. I'm on no sleep and have handled more poo then G.G. Allan at a Cinco De Mayo burito eating contest.

Here are my concerns (other then that I hope my dog is ok):
1. Why does the dog have a raging hard-on when he is pumping out the *PTS?
2. Will he stop shitting the floor long enough for me to return the Zamboni, then resume, forcing me to go out and rent it again?
3. Why do elevators have a "close door" button? It never increases the speed at which the door shuts. I think it's a placebo. I know it's a random thought that has nothing to do with the Pug, but it was on my mind.
4. Will I get to sleep tonight? If I do will me dreams be brown and runny?

-R

*PTS = pencil-thin stream

Magic Castle Of Drunkenness

2006-06-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

Went to the Magic Castle this weekend. The Magic Castle is a restaurant/bar (actually 3 bars)/magic school/hotel/performence venue. Apparently it is the holy land for any serious magician. You can't get in unless u know a magician who is a member, and, for some reason there is a shitty strict dress code (suit+tie). The entranceway has a sliding bookcase door that only opens when u say, "open sesame." We ate dinner in the private Houdini Seance Room which was lined with Houdini paraphernalia such as straight jackets and shackles (1890's bondage gear lol). We didn't channel his spirit in the seance room, but I did channel a surprisingly tasty salmon steak and many a Guinness.

Other highlights include:
A great magic and comedy show with some seriously talented magic motherfuckers.
A ghost piano that plays "any" song that u say out loud (which we, of course, stumped).
A W.C. Fields-themed burbon bar that boasts the largest bourbon selection in LA.
Urinals that make your dick look 10 inches long!

I am gunna take some magic classes there so I can incorporate some cool magic into my fire eating repertoire (plus I'll be able to take my friends to the castle whenever I want). It's a really fun place to hang out if you are into geeky magic stuff. For me, the geekier the better.

-R

(btw, I made up the thing about the magic urinal making your dick look huge)

This May Be A Bit Cheese-afied. But Please Play Along.

2006-06-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

Just wondering; what are your top 5 desert island disks? (ya know, stranded on an island with a cd player, only have 5 cds with you)

For me, this answer changes constantly. So another way of asking this question is; According to how u are feeling at this moment, what are your top 5 desert island disks. If that helps at all.

Here are some rules:
You can only pick 5. Double (and triple) albums can count as 1 disk if they are released and packaged together. No box sets. Disks that come with a bonus disk as part of the inner packaging also count as only 1, however, if it's stuck to the outside of the shrink-wrap it counts as 2 separate disks.

here are mine:

Sunny Day Real Estate - Diary
Posies - Frosting On The Beater
Tori Amos - Choirgirl Hotel
Pink Floyd-Animals
Tool - Aenima

Quick Thought

2006-06-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

Can u think of any cartoon whose characters put on different clothes every day?

10 Foot Squirting Female Orgasms

2006-05-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

I took a week long blog vacation. I used all of my free time to leisurely obsess about work and our 5th porn shoot which took place yesterday (fri). It was an interactive solo girl shoot that got extremely complicated due to lighting complications, continuity issues, and a script that required some actual acting. I think that sometimes I make our shoots way too complicated. I mean, porn really sells itself, in spite of script, acting, lighting, budget, set design, and even attractive performers. Mainstream movies have many different styles and trends, but porn movies have 1 style, 1 script, and all the other details just adhere to budget constraints and a lack of creativity. That sucks and I hate it! Luckily I'm in a position to change it, which I'm trying to do, 1 stressful shoot at a time. The star of our production was a well known porn star named "Cytherea." She is notorious for her massive squirting orgasms, that can soak anything within a 10 foot radius.

Now I'll let you in on an industry secret: most female pornstars fake thier orgasms on film.
No really they do. I know u r saying to yourself, "but Rick, it looks so real when a vacant silicone-filled human blow-up doll yells and screams that she is cumming." Sorry to burst your fuck-bubble. It's usually fake. Some guys don't care. I do.

Anyway, the extremely cool thing about working with a girl that ejaculates, is that it's authentic. Cytherea has the ability to completely trance-out and have multiple squirting orgasms, not just for a paycheck, not for psudo-fame, but because she really likes sex. In my opinion that realism is much better to watch then a girl whose sexual personality is dictated by a camera being turned on and off.

The shoot went great. She squirted a whole bunch of times and soaked our set. She was so into it that she even continued to masturbate when we wern't filming (so we made sure to keep the cameras running so we wouldn't miss anything). She broke 2 vibrators and even came close to shorting out our extremely expensive lights with her flying vaginal liquids (which she is known to do). I took a bunch of behind the scenes pix, which I'll post sometime soon.

Just another day at the office.

-R

Happy Birthday

2006-05-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

Today my blog turned 1 year old!!!

Here is a recap of my year in posting:
blah blah buncha bands
blah blah porn blah fisting blah
uhhhh... watch this movie, rent this DVD, check out this TV show
song lyric blog titles that have the word "fudge" substituted for some other word that isn't "fudge"
lots of sentences that start with the word - "so".
stuff that only matt or anna would find interesting
stuff that only I find interesting
1 tranny
1 Ron Jeremy interaction
1 large pancake
3 flea infestations
1 tiny watermellon
and a few sentences about facial hair

It's been a deep, thoughtful, insightful, poignant, and important year in blogging. Glad u could share it with me.

Much love,
Rick

See You In Toronto (C U in T)

2006-05-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

I leave for Toronto tomorrow morning @ 9 am. I have to leave my house at 7. I have to get up at 6. I will be eating xanax fried rice for dinner so I am able to get to sleep before 3:00 am. I am extremely excited to see the Grrrl! 2 months is way too long! There is also a small porn convention going on, and we are hosting a party on Fri at a club (think it is called Mood). Fun fun fun!

check this shit out:
Best Website Ever (today)
Best Drunk Chick Ever (today)

I am out
-Rick

Naked Eye

2006-05-07T17:43:00.000-07:00

Jay's show went really well. Lots of people showed up and Crush was definitely an appropriate venue (they sell high-end glass dildos, glass sculptures, and super-high-end glass bongs. I swear that there is a $10,000 bong there). I met all sorts of interesting folks. Met one of the Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm writers, met a guy that is about to launch a line of beverages that all have racially tongue-in-cheek names (like "Black Power" grape sports drink, and "Silly White Girl" apple martini mix), met a woman that runs a music publishing house, and met a few of porn stars (one that we actually might shoot). I, however, was pretty much braindead throughout the whole evening and couldn't hold up my end of any conversation. I was so out of it that I forgot to bring a fucking camera, so no pix. Here is his website, so u can see a few of the prints that were featured. If any of u fuckers are in LA, stop over at Crush and check out Jay's pics.

Rick

Porn Filled Weekend

2006-05-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

Fri night:
The wonderful Charmaine Star had a birthday potty. We all met at Katana for a birthday dinner. It was a interesting group consisting of porn stars, actors, actor wanna bees, a spray-on tan mogul, and D, Jay, and I. I was seated across from an obnoxious former pro football player, who, when asked, "what do u do for fun?" He replied, "I mostly hang out with the "BIG money people," so we just kinda hang out at their mansions." So yeah, that gets the award for the most LA conversation EVER. Charmaine is always a genuinely sweet, happy, down to earth person. She definitely breaks the stereotype of what most porn girls seem to get grouped in. After dinner we went to a club called "Privilege." It was like every other LA club. I lasted for about an hour until I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed Jay and his girlfriend and we went to a bondage/burlesque/tranny bar called The Dragonfly, which was way more my speed. It reminded me a bit of The Bovine Sex Club, with more skin and more goth kids. We spent most of the time talking to this androgynous London boy who was complaining about how American girls don't wanna fuck him because they first think he is a girl, then they think he is gay.

Tonight Jay is having his Fine Art nudes show at Crush on Melrose. I'm gunna take lots of pictures which I'll post tomorrow. Go Jay!

-Rick

Cotton Candy Clown Turd

2006-05-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

Here's a few pix of the cotton candy extravaganza

poor table manners

even poorer table manners

The handsome cotton candy Burt Reynolds moustache

Vague Ass Part 2

2006-05-01T00:32:00.000-07:00

Saturday night's itinerary was somewhat reminiscent of friday's. We ate at the same Iron Chef restaurant, but get this; we get the desert menu and see that they have cotton candy. We order it, and what comes is the hugest, most ridiculous mound of pink insanity. It looked like the largest pinkest afro wig in ebony-clown history. It was spectacular! Afterward, we went to the same strip club as last nite, then we hung out at the Hard Rock circle bar again, and I even saw Vinny Paul again (he had a full beard with lines shaved down both sides, making it look like stripes).

We left for LA on Sunday but after an hour and 1/2 of stop and go traffic, we found out that the highway was a parking lot all the way to Cali (that's like 200 miles of bumper-to-bumper bullshit). We decided to turn around and stay an extra night in Vegas. Yeah there are worse places to be stranded. So, Depeche Mode played a show in the parking lot of the Hard Rock Casino. We hooked up with our pornstar friend and her husband who had a room at the Hard Rock on the 16th floor, facing the stage. We watched the whole show from their room. It was like a VIP box seat in an arena, but we had our own bathroom. Pretty fucking cool!

Tomorrow we will definitely depart from the Devil's degenerate domain.

-Dick

Vegasness

2006-04-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

So far here's the breakdown:

Fri night
1. Met an Iron Chef winner and ate at his restaurant.
2. Went to a really swanky VIP strip club with pornstar Brittany Starr.
3. Hung out with wonderful childhood friend John O'connor.
4. Drank five-bazillion beers.
5. Saw Pantera/Damageplan drummer Vinny Paul and gave him a "cheers"

Today:
1. Slept off a horrendous hangover until like 3 pm.
2. Watched a Simple Life marathon, the guiltiest of pleasures.
3. D picked up his amazing new Caddillac XLR.
4. Drove to downtown Vegas and realized that there is a whole state surrounding the main hotel strip.
5. Locked myself out of my room and got lost trying to find the front desk.

So we'll prolly get a late dinner tonight and try not to get too fucked up so we will be able to leave tomorrow. We'll see how that works out.

-R

The Devil's Underware Drawer

2006-04-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

D, Mendi, and I are going to Vegas for the weekend. This is the 1st time in 12 years that I'm going to Vegas for something other then work (ie. the anual porn convention). It will be weird to not have any obligations. No parties, no Players Ball, no webmasters, no porn stars. WTF do people do in Vegas? I don't really like to gamble, I'm not into hookers, and I don't do hard drugs. I suppose we'll go to a strip club, maybe catch a show, and drink like assholes. Lately, everything I do just seems like killing time. Don't get me wrong, I feel extremely fortunate that I have the opportunities to experience all of my unique adventures, but I'd easily trade it all to wake up next to The Grrl.

Have a liver-destroying weekend, I know I will

-Rick

I Want To Fucking Tear You Apart

2006-04-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

Can't stop listening to the song "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge. They take all of the good flava from seminal 80's bands Joy Division and Bauhaus but add an intensity and production value that make the aforementioned bands palatable in only small doses (with all due respects implied). The really cool and creepy video really won me over. Here's some links to watch the video on PC and here it is for MAC. LMK what you think.

Saw V For Vendetta last night. I loved it. Being unfamiliar with the story, I though it would be just an overwhelming, effect-driven, Hollywood interpretation of a beloved comic. It was a bit of that, but it was really cool story with a great script, crazy alliteration-filled dialog (I forgot how many words start with "V"), and amazing cinematography courtesy of Matrix's Wachowski brothers. Natalie Portman continues to impress me and is IMO becoming the coolest actress in Hollywood. However, John Hurt made the movie by being one of the best movie villains I've seen in a really long time. Dig it!

BTW, My neighbor is listening to the St. Elmo's Fire soundtrack. For once the Grrl is probably extremely greatful that she is many many miles away in Toronto, not listening to John Parr's "Man In Motion". Time to blast some Black Dahlia Murder. My music can beat up my neighbor's music!

Happy Earth Day and Ohio Gay Pride, bitches
-R

Know Your Aenima

2006-04-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

Greetings from the BIG state. The meat state. The lone star.

The part of Dallas that we are staying in, as it turns out, is Oakville, Ontario, Schaumburg, IL, and everywhere else that you have been that's flat. Guess a great deal of North America is pretty nondescript and interchangeable. Yeah so, this mini trip has been quite relaxing. Spent time with D's family (which was oddly comforting and quite enjoyable), rode go-karts, went to a strip club, saw J. Ginch-rock in all his splendor, Drank lots of Fat Tire beer, participated in a Passover Seder, and saw the Johnny Knoxville movie where he pretends to be a person with disabilities (which was actually pretty decent and surprisingly respectful to Special Olympians and individuals with challenges).

All in all the trip was pretty uneventful, so I'll talk about Tool.

Paul D'amour's new band Feersum Ennjin.
New Tool song
Pre-Tool Maynard
Weird Maynard stage incident
Maynard and Rage Know Your Enemy
And finally, Maynard and Tori

Fuck around on that Youtube site for a while and search for bands, you'll be surprised at what kinds of gems that you'll find.

-Texas Dick

Hardcore Motherfucker!

2006-04-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

It turns out that our new punk rock video editor is a huge 16 Horsepower/Woven Hand fan. He said that he flew to Dallas a few months ago just to see a Woven Hand show. He befriended a photographer that was also at the show and got some pics. He hooked me up, and now I'm hooking you up.

If any of you are not familiar with 16 Horsepower or Woven Hand, they are what a Nick Cave and Maynard milkshake would sound like. Or like, if Tool did cowboy music (not cuntry music). This dude is one hardcore motherfucker!

here's some pics:

I'm off to Texas for the weekend. Talk to you fuckers when I get back.
-Dick

Pimpin Ain't Easy

2006-04-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

Pimpin ain't easy!
At least that's what I hear, but you can judge for yourselves.

Speaking of pimps, I spoke to J. Ginchy Cockrock. Not only is he coming to visit LA soon, he's also going to be in Dallas when I am (this weekend). So we're gunna fuck some shit up cowboy-style. Believe that!

Yeah so any thrill of my temporary bachelorhood has more then worn off. I'm bored of playing video games until 2 am. I'm bored of television. Bored of going out alone. Bored of coming home to an empty apartment. Bored of talking to the cat. Bored of watching movies by myself. Almost bored of masturbation marathons. If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowel of granola, or something.

Bye bye
-R

Fetish

2006-04-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

In the 7 years of being a pornographer I have found only 2 fetishes that I don't understand. That is not to say that I am "into" all of them, I just understand why people obsess about taboos. Yeah, being bad can feel really fucking good.

Anyway, the 1st fetish that I never understood is the foot fetish. You can see bare feet everywhere, for free. Where is the thrill? It's like having an elbow fetish. Who the fuck cares about elbows (and feet for that matter)? Toe sucking, that's a different story. Footjobs, fine. Even some aggressive sub/dom foot play, I understand. But I just don't understand people that get sexually excited by seeing feet.

Here is the 2nd fetish that I don't understand. It's pretty clear that the girls who are performing in it, are not having a great time, which is always lame. It is also pretty fucking degrading (only, IMO, because they are not enjoying themselves). As always, don't look at any link on my blog when you are at work (unless you work for a porn company ;-).

New topic: New Music

New Flaming Lips. See song #1 "Yeah Yeah Yeah Song"
New Pretty Girls Make Graves. See song #2 "Pyrite Pedestal"
New Rainer Maria. Great album as a whole, but the song "Life Of Leisure" is my favorite.
Rock!

Have a dicktacular weekend!
-R

Our Old Buddy Goatse

2006-04-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

Ahhh Goatse...

If I didn't know better, I'd think that the internet was invented for the specific purpose of emailing Goatse pics to unsuspecting friends.
For those of you that choose to swim on the non-porn side of the internet pool (as if that side exists) may not know Goatse. Here is a Wikipedia Goatse Tutorial.

Now that everyone is on the same Goatse page, I can move on.

So today, when I was scouring the interweb to find a hideously disgusting photo to attach to the love letter that I wrote to the Grrl, I learned some important internet history. I found a fascinating and informative interview with the infamous Goatse. Now I warn you that there are pics of him on the link that I am about to post. There are pics of him gaping, pics of double cucumber insertions, and pics of him that look like he is going to prolapse. I ask you to look beyond all that and get to know the man on the other side of the massive rectum. Check it out; DON'T LOOK AT THIS IF YOU ARE AT WORK!

Now don't u feel like a much more informed internet user? I know I do.

Fist ya later,
Rick

Sex Poll

2006-03-28T12:12:00.000-08:00

I am writing a sex poll for our new product. Sex polls are all pretty much the same; "How many times a day do u let the cat lick creme brule off your vulva" Or for the men; "how many times can u have more then 2 fingers in your ass before you admit you are gay" (Both questions borrowed from Vogue's "Sex in 06 Poll").

So If you could ask millions of people (mostly men) some of the most personal sex questions, what would u ask?

Hot Or Not

2006-03-27T16:51:00.000-08:00

This aspiring model wants us to shoot her. She isn't really my type, but few porn girls are. There is just something about her. She isn't classically attractive, but sometimes that's ok. What do u guys think, hot or not?

Fashon Show Adventure

2006-03-23T19:15:00.000-08:00

They rented out this really nice club, had an open bar (which we mercilessly and aggressively molested), had really great hors d'ouvres (which we conquered like an ultimate fighting battle royal), then the girls took the stage. Ya know that really hot girl from highschool that you always knew would grow up to be either a model or like a professional cheerleader or porn star, well she was fucking NOWHERE to be found. In her place were all these awkward and uncomfortable lame ugly girls. Don't even make me fag-out and talk about the clothes. They 1st came out in jeans, hoodies, and uggs (the LA uniform). No one needs to to have a fashon show that features that manner of dress, it's in every sheep store on Melrose. Cunts! Then came the swimsuits. Hidious and unflattering swimsuits revealing cottage cheese asses. The embarrassed and disgusted look on each model showed the audience that they wanted to be there even less then us. No ammount of free booze made it bearable, and we fucking really tried.

Now, on to the best part of the nite:

We dragged our drunken asses to the cheesy cowboy bar on the Sunset strip. We were sitting outside eating dinner and getting wasted-er and then we saw it:

This chick hit a motorcycle cop with her SUV!! She hit him hard enough to knock his ass to the ground and fuck up the bike, but not hard enough to hurt him. It was like being reimbursed from the karma bank for wasting my time at the fashon show. We watched as every cop in Hollywood came to increase the ridiculousness of the spectacle. If there were firebreathing midget clowns and juggling monkeys on unicycles, I would have shit myself dead in the greatest moment of awsomeness in the history of moments of awesomeness!

G'nite

Geekiest Weekend Ever!

2006-03-19T23:50:00.000-08:00

Went to a Comic book and Toy convention on Sat. The toy part of it was kinda weak, very little vinyl, mostly plastic, mostly Starwars.
Picked up these guys called, "Blow Up Dolls"

I don't really read comics (except for Top 10 and Fables), so that part didn't interest me. The true gems that I found were bootleg DVDs (that were never released on DVD):
Decline of Western Civilization

and part 2, The Metal Years

Part 1, which I've never seen before, was pretty bad. It highlighted the Germs, Pre-Hank Black Flag, X, Fear, and Circle Jerks, which was cool. It also highlighted 2 other bands that were pretty weak (Catholic discipline and The Alice Bag Band). My beef is that She (Penelope Spheris, the Director) could have (and should have) highlighted any and all of the Cali punk scene. Punk was so interesting and tiny back then, they all hung out together at the same places and played in the same bands as each other. Where were The Misfits, Dead Kennedys, Bad Religion, TSOL, Minutemen, Descendants, Redd Cross, Social Distortion, hell, even the Pre-fame Go Gos? All those bands were around in one incarnation or another, but not shown. Also, there was a lack of interesting scensters to be interviewed. This is a beef with both of the Decline movies, Spheris interviewed idiotic stereotypes to make her movies more... shocking. Like, here is a sample of what the youth of today is like: stupid and angry, but with no purpose. I think that kids who are involved with such an intense subculture are searching for acceptance, searching for people that understand them, searching for an outlet for their frustrations from feeling like an alien in their homes and schools. All I'm saying is that Spheris could have interviewed some intelligent kids with mohawks and possibly done a service to the punk scene. Instead, I feel, she really exploited it and used all the people in it to make fun of them.

Part 2 was really the same deal, but with metal bands. I really felt like she should have put more importance on the music, the fans, and the lifestyle, rather then ask a couple of egomaniacs about how much pussy they get. The Metal Years really focused on misogyny and make-up. Yes, I know that was a part of it, but not the only and most interesting angle.

After we have launched Orgasm, maybe it'll be time for me to get some financial backers and do a music documentary of my own. Pffft.

-R

Straight Outta Lowcash!

2006-03-16T10:42:00.000-08:00

1. A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see a 10 year old boy coming the other way. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Let's fuck him." The rabbi responds, "Out of what?" (Who doesn't like anti-Semitic molestation humor?)

2. Really funny Xmen video: Juggernaut Bitch

3. My new favorite website: Softer World

4. When we aquire and license other people's pornographys to use on our websites, they must provide the required information to prove that all performers are over 18. This is proved by sending us photos of 2 forms of their IDs, usually with the performer holding them. Unfortunately, most of them are not as handsome as this one:

-Rickshaw

Goddamn I love Cereal!

2006-03-11T21:51:00.000-08:00

So all I want to do is eat fucking cereal.

Cereal with vanilla soy milk is my new favorite food. I find myself wanting to have lots of small bowels of different kinds of cereals at once, like a tasting menu, because all cereal goes well together. Every time I go to the store, I pick up 3 different kinds of cereal, so we have an impressive # of boxes in our cabinets.

Here's what has been filling my mornings with fiber and sugar:

Special K Fruit And Yogurt.
Corn Pops
Mixed Berry Rice Krispys
Coco Krispys
Regular Rice Krispys
Strawberry Flavored Mini Wheats
Maple and Brown Sugar Flavored Mini Wheats
Corn Flakes

Seems as though I need to invent a pumpkin pie flavored cereal and a watermellon flavored cereal. Uh huh.

What is your favorite kind of cereal?

Lube Things Up

2006-03-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

After not posting for a while, I'd like to "lube" things up a bit with a list.

1. After reciveving a Birthday present of what seems like 10000 new toys from the wonderful Grrl, we now officially have more toys then Magic Pony but not quite as many as Kid Robot in LA (but way more then Kid Robot SF, or so I hear).

2. I got an acoustic guitar! I took my 1st guitar lesson. I've been practicing a little every day. I KNOW POWER CHORDS! I WILL SHRED!

3. There is a crunchberry bush outside the Apt. The dog pees on it so I choose not to pick em and add them to different cereals.

4. Sun Kil Moon has an album of Modest Mouse covers that is nothing less then ethereal. It's called Tiny Cities. The singer (Mark Kozelek) also has a solo album of Bon Scott-era AC/DC cover songs called What's Next To The Moon. It's as close to Cuntry music as I'd like to get, which is to say, too close. However, it reminds me a bit of Neil Young. Download the song "Dramamine" off of Tiny Cities. DO IT!!!!!

5. An amazing band called The Elected have a new album called "Sun Sun Sun." The equation goes like this: Bright Eyes (if Conner had a "nice" voice and wasn't all sad and shit) + Decemberests + 1950's rock and roll +U2. Dig em!

-R

Long Lost Leonard

2006-03-06T19:12:00.000-08:00

1 month ago I found out that my grandfather (who has been dead for years) has a brother who is still alive.
1 day ago I met him. His name is Leonard and he is 86.
He is a sharp older gent that looks and sounds quite like my grandfather, which was really trippy. I also met some third cousins (Leonard's kids) that looked a lot like my dad, which means that they resemble me, I guess.
I envisioned that meeting "long lost" relatives would be instantly comforting, like a small piece of me was recovered. It wasn't. It was more like a family history lesson with a bunch of strangers that have similar large noses and eye wrinkles. I found out that my small family is actually really massive, which is kinda sad considering that no one knows each-other.
So now I have this fascination with researching my family tree. I'll let ya know if I find out anything interesting.

and

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm gunna be 33. Rawk \m/!!!

Dad And Step Mom Are Here

2006-03-03T11:47:00.000-08:00

Ummmm yeah. Eddie and Merle are here. That is all.

Some Catch-up

2006-02-17T14:27:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: Shannon Wright - Maps Of Tacit
Sounds Like - Intense Indy Vagina Music

So busy lately, don't know where to begin.

Wed night I had the most amazing sneezing attack. I sneezed for like 4 hours. Sneezing is so violent. Some of the times I actually had to stand-up to sneeze so I wouldn't pull muscles in my back. I took a different allergy pill every 20 mins or so until they finally made me pass out. I was so freaked out that I almost considered checking myself into a hospital. I bet that I sneezed more times in 4 hours then I've sneezed in my whole life. Fucking weird!

Last weekend we shot our 3rd girl/girl production. Bitch at the Grrrl for not taking any behind the scenes pics. Here are some thoughts/highlights about the shoot:
Girl 1 actually came to the set with a huge coldsore on her lip. We had to send her home and find a replacement.
The girls used 14 different toys on eachother, which I picked out! I am now a sextoy lexicon.
It is very apparent to me that sextoys are created by men.
A pornstar in a chicken costume with a strap-on dildo = funny!
Someone has to wash the sextoys before and after use.
A sink that is overflowing with a pile rubber dicks = funny
Unfortunately, not every shoot can have midgets

That's all for now,
Take care all
-Rickshaw

Poo In My Hand

2006-02-15T10:27:00.000-08:00

I take Crispin out 3 times a day.
Before work and after work is when he makes the poo (late night he only makes the pee)
I have small, pink, flower-scented bags that were designed specifically to pick up the poos.
The 2 poo walks go for about half a mile a piece
Crispin poos in about the same place half-way into the walk.
I usually throw out the poobag in the dumpster by my Apartment.

So that means:
In the year and 1/2 that I've been living here in LA, I've walked about 275.5 miles with poo in my hand.

-R

Dig!

2006-02-13T13:45:00.000-08:00

Get off your ditchweed-smoking, cock-pulling, tandori panda-making ass and buy this movie!
I say buy it rather then rent it because the 2nd DVD with the bonus material will be mandatory after you watch the movie.

Dig is a documentary that juxtaposes 7 years in the lives and careers of 2 bands. The 2 bands are The Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Massacre. The funny thing is that I really don't like the music that either of the bands make, but the musicians and characters in both bands are astoundingly riveting.

The Dandys are a tight 4 piece power pop-ish/rock band that all seem like they are in love with each other. They are portrayed as great friends that don't really seem to have any problems. Their drug and alcohol use is recreational, their money problems are non-existent, and their management is right on track.

The Brian Jonestown Massacre is comprised of a revolving door of trianwreck addict musicians that quit or get booted out of the band after every show. The homeless singer/songwriter/multi-instrumentalist/smack addict/violent alcoholic/schizophrenic/self-proclaimed God; Anton Newcombe is the only mainstay in the band. Anton assaults bandmembers when they fuck up, assaults the crowd when they make him break his concentration, and constantly proclaims himself a visionary and God. He is described by many as being as brilliant and important as velvet-era Lou Reed.

What makes the documentary really cool is that both bands are really big fans and good friends of one-another and start off touring together and trying to make it. Anton constantly sabotages any and all opportunities to progress as a signed musician, all the while recording 5 albums a year in his home studio. The Dandys become record industry sweethearts which, of course alienates them from BJM.

Lots of drama, lots of on-stage meltdowns, lots of drunken violence and stupidity. My description doesn't even come close to how chaotic the story is.

Go buy this movie now! Even if u hate both bands you will still really like the movie.

-R

I Am Your Father

2006-02-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

This someone looks like someone else that we know, but that someone wouldn't cooperate as well as the someone in the pic.

Another Day In Hollywood

2006-02-03T23:25:00.000-08:00

Blayne (our multicolor dreadlocked video editor) and I were standing in front of our office on Sunset Blvd when we were approached by a guy. The guy looked like a stereotypical 35 year old football fan from the Midwest (he wasn't, but that's what he looked like). He introduces himself as "Chuck" and asks if he can talk to us for a second. Chuck proceeds to tell us the following story:

"I had my regular 7 beer breakfast and I was on my way home. I live in the neighborhood. And I was talking to someone about this horrible tragedy that I saw on the news. This 7 year old girl was sitting in front of a convenience store and a car pulled up, a guy got out, grabbed the necklace from around her neck, and drove off. Cameras in front of the store caught the whole thing. A different guy walking behind us must have overheard our conversation about girl and the necklace thief and said, "Hahaha I know that guy." So I followed him."

Chuck then pointed across the street to a guy in a red shirt and said that's him. Then Chuck continued:

"I followed him because I am gunna beat his ass. You don't joke about that shit! Then I saw you guys and realized that I needed to talk to someone before I jumped him."

Blayne and I commended him on his choice to talk to us rather then get violent. We talked to Chuck about bad choices and their repercussions. We talked to him like a 13 year old for about 10 minutes. He thanked us and left.

Dude in the red shirt has no idea how close he came to getting the fuck beat outta him.
Small deposit into the Karma Bank.

-R

Internet History part Deux

2006-02-03T10:52:00.000-08:00

At the dawn of time a bunch of people seeking easily conciliable twink bukkake porn invented the internet. 7 minutes later the electronic chain letter was distributed. 9 1/2 minutes later some little chubby kid made and released a video of himslf doing an elaborate impression of Darth Maul's lightsaber dance. Then in 2005 someone made a clever Chuck Norris fact sheet that annoyingly effected every type of media until the words, "Chuck Norris" made u wanna kick someone in the ballsack. The world laughed, yawned, then got violent. Then, for several months, nothing even remotely interesting happened. Until...

I found this Jack Bauer list. This list trend is getting old, but the show 24 is so cool I thought I'd post the funny parts of it anyway.

10 Random Facts About Jack Baur:

1. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
2. Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
3. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
4. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
5. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
6. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl... by himself.
7. If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
8. ...

Ya know, these really arn't that funny so I'm gunna stop. The fact that I am not going to delete this post will show my lazyness and lack of originality. Suck it.

-R

New Possible Haircut

2006-01-30T11:04:00.000-08:00

Getting bored with my hairstyle. What do u guys think of this:

In Keeping With The Theme

2006-01-29T11:11:00.000-08:00

Fri night we went to some big club. Some of the people from our Toronto office were in town. Ed is in town. Ed had his "I *Heart* Midgets" T-shirt on. As we approached the door, we saw that there were 2 Little People entering the club. They were the really really little Little People; like 2 1/2 feet and 3 1/2 respectively. Once inside, Damian and I found them in the bathroom. They are both actors (who isn't in this town), and D got their cards. Later that eve, after drinking for a few hours, Ed and I decided that due to the uncanny luck that he is wearing the Midget T-shirt, he needs a picture of himself and the wee folk. We seek them out, which is a difficult task in a busy dance club. Finally, using our Midget Radar (Smalldar? Radget? Dwadar?) we locate them. We walk up to the taller one. I ask if he'll take a pic with Ed. He looks at Ed, looks at his shirt, and says, in the most angry nasally voice I've ever heard, "NUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHO!"

I spent the next 2 hours at club hugging Ed, trying to keep us both from breaking down into tears.

-R

The Uplifting Jolt Of Midgetry

2006-01-26T17:29:00.000-08:00

We shot the pornographies. The Dwarf was amazing. Life is complete.

Holy Shitballs!

2006-01-21T13:44:00.000-08:00

Everyone's favorite Canadian accountant/bass player (just so u know Geddy Lee failed his accounting courses) got himself a little gig as the opening act for a sold out Bon Jovi show at the Air Canada Center next Tues! Jason H and his band The Luminols will get to play for twenty-fucking-thousand of their closest friends. Can't put into words how fucking happy and proud I am of Jason. His band is really good and is sure to win over the Bon Jovi crowd. Can't wait to see the pics and hear all about it.

-Rik

The Hedgehog

2006-01-20T10:59:00.000-08:00

How did I get to a place in my life where I see Ron Jeremy more then I see my own mother?

I leave my office, hop into the elevator on it's way down it stops at floor 3, Ron Jeremy gets in. He says hi to me, I introduce myself. We talk about porn as we walk to the parking garage. He gives me his card and tells me to call if we want him to be in our productions. I see him everywhere. I think he loves me and is stalking me. Mark my words; He will be my new best friend within a year. "No sorry, I cant hang out, R.J. and I are eating grilled cheese and playing XBOX. Maybe another time."

That is all.
-R

Oh where do I begin...?

2006-01-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

Right. I'll begin like this;

So we've decided that we need midgets for our next production (which is scheduled for next tues). Wee Man from Jackass' agent said that he won't do it. Mini Me's agent didn't call us back yet. Both of those actors are SAG (screen actors guild) actors anyway, meaning that they are union and would be massively expensive if they would even agree to do something in the adult realm (which they won't).

So where do u find midgets in Hollywood? Rent A Midget of course.
We've booked Little Jon and maybe Don. Yeah... so it gets even more ridiculous; they come with a bunch of costume options including oompa loompa, and Elvis. Plus, and here's the really weird shit, each has their own special talent. Little Jon (whose 4'4") can jump up, kick himself in the head with both feet at the same time and land on his feet! Don (whose a towering 4'7")can bench press full-sized humans up to like 300 lbs!

So, my friends, it's time for requests. What costume would u want to see a midget wearing and what would you like to see him doing in that costume? The Little People won't interact sexually with the models, but they can interact. So, you have 2 naked pornstars and 2 costumed midgets, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

-R

Busted!

2006-01-17T11:22:00.000-08:00

This wholesome clown only barely looks like he wants to touch your penis.

In The Meantime

2006-01-16T13:01:00.000-08:00

The Warcraft server is down for maintenance, so I can do a few other things such as go to the bathroom and post on my blog.
Not too much has been going on since Vegas, but here's a short catch-up:

A. Wrote our next porn production. Bought $400 worth of sextoys. Had various meetings about which models will star in it and what they will wear. It is going to be a fetish-themed girl/girl diggity; all dark and leather and vinyl and corsets and big blk shiny boots. We are going to rent all these wicked bondage contraptions. The shoot will NOT involve S and M, because I don't want to have ANYTHING to do with anything even remotely close to violent sex (even if it's consensual and the models love it and get off on it), it will just look fetishy.

B. Our last production is still in limbo due to video editor staffing difficulties.

C. The Chumscrubber just came out on DVD. Check this movie out, it's really good.

D. Survivorman. No, it's not a show about the vocalist that sang "eye of the tiger". It's a show on the Discovery channel where they drop this dude (The Survivor Man) in the middle of nowhere with no supplies and 50 lbs of camera equipment. Then they come back and rescue him a week later. It's the most hardcore nature show ever! Survivorman is like Mcgyver + Mr. Wizard + Rambo. Fuck that Crocodile guy.

E. I accidentally deleted over 150 gigs of music that I've been collecting over the course of 4 years. It hurts when that Karma boomerang comes around and nails me in the sack.

Got an 1/8th of meth, a 1/4 of purple kush, a gang of hash, 2 jugs of bathtub gin, and a bag of pills. Gunna celebrate MLK's birthday the way he would have if he was still with us.

-R

Vegas Part Deux

2006-01-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

You never hear of anyone talking about "Biotics" or "Pro-biotics," just Anti-Biotics. Yeah so I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm thinking that this will be my last day being sick.

Here are the remaining highlights of my Vegas trip:

Saw Mike Tyson in this empty club that we stopped to get a quick drink in. He left when I kept giving him dirty looks. Pussy.

The P-funk show!!! Goddamn they are just spectacular! I feel so fortunate that I got to see this legend in such an intimate setting. "Tight" doesn't describe just how ON they were. They sound like they have been playing together for 40 years (yeah, I know, that's cause they have). There were way too many musicians to fit on the modest stage. I would say, that there were about 30-35 people rotating in and out of the stage show. They were various ages from late 20's to late 60's, dressed in various levels of ridiculousness. We were one of the sponsors of the party, so that allowed us to get extremely close to the funk. My face still hurts from smiling.

Got to taste a $175 shot of cognac which was bottled in the 20's. It tasted like paint thinner.

Left Vegas at about 4 am Sunday, because that is supposed to be the busiest traveling day of the year and we wanted to beat the rush. Got home at 9 am and haven't felt the same since.

that's it
-R

Now Accepting Lung Donations

2006-01-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

I'm so sick that it hurts to breathe. They call it "Convention Flu" but I feel like I ate the jagged metal Crusty-O. I have much to tell about the convention that I'll post when I feel better (Anna has some wicked pics of P-funk and the Player's Ball, so bug her about them).

Hope all is well in blogland.
-R *cough cough* ick

A Short "Hello"

2006-01-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

"What happens to the pile of dead hookers in our hotel bathroom in Vegas, stays in Vegas!"

The Vegas trip so far (in list form):

1. Like Waldo, Ron Jeremy can be found in the background of every situation!
2. $60 continental breakfast.
3. Met a girl that is cruelly torturing guys with a concept called; "Penis Punked." So far 3 guys have been punked.
4. That older bald tattooed muscular guy with the vagina.
5. The Star Trek museum
6. A 6 foot tall man in an elaborate Klingon costume hit on The Grrl, in character no less.
7. Laughing at the 2+ hour Taxi lines, because we brought the limo
8. Met some clown porn producers. Got some clown porn.
9. Every club dj plays these bad "mash-ups" and mixes NIN with Kelly Clarkson and shit.
10. Liver damage!

That's all I can think of right now. Players Ball is tonight with The P-Funk All Stars. Got the Mothership connection at the convention!

-R

The Devil's Back Yard

2006-01-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

Me and the Grrl are off to the porn convention. This is the big one in Vegas. It will be insane-er then ever before because this year they decided to have the online porn convention and the video porn convention/video awards at the same time. It will be complete chaos! You see, the online convention doesn't really draw fans, only industry people. The video convention and awards draw mainly fans that want autographs from girls that they have been jerking off to for the past year. Security is gunna be crazy and the parties are going to be really hard to get into, even for those with passes.

One thing that I'm really looking fwd to is that George Clinton and the P-Funk Allstars are headlining the Players Ball. That should be fun!

Anyway, I have to go finish packing. We are leaving soon.

-R

Santa's Booty

2005-12-31T14:46:00.000-08:00

N-E-G-L-E-C-T, blog out what it means to me, sockittomesockittomesockittomesockittome...

First, here's a handsome pic of me eating Xmas fudge:

Toronto was great! The Xmas party was the best one so far (thanks to Min_o). This was the closest thing to a real, chillout vacation that I've had in a longass time. Unfortunately, due to family obligations and the winter immobility of the Grrl, the time snuck past before we to hang with Datura, Min_o, or Jason H. We'll go out and play next time.

Santa brought this Heeby bastard lots of cool new Japanese Vinyl toys! So fucking cool! This place is literally running out of flat surfaces to put toys on. Gotta get some new shelves!
Here's some of the highlights:

The Gary Baseman Qee:

The Opera Dude ( I got both a blk and a wht one)

The Bearbrick Ibear. It's hard to see in this pic, but it its back half is silver and it holds my ipod. So wicked!

What cool stuff did u guys get from Santa?
-R

Yeah Yeah Yeah

2005-12-28T22:24:00.000-08:00

Blah blah blog neglect bullshit and all that.

Hope Santa brought all of you nice kiddies oral sex for Xmas this year.

Me? I got back from my 2 week trip to Toronto last night. I have some pics, stories, and hilariously witty anticdotes for your asses tomorrow. Tonight is all about me and my new ipod.

-R

Guessing Game

2005-12-22T20:33:00.000-08:00

1. 2 people that I know got married. Guess who?

2. Someone that I know apprehended a mugger after he stole $200 from a 77 year old woman in a wheelchair. Try and guess who?

3. Someone that I know got his anal glands expressed today. Who could it be?

4. Someone that I know bought almost 2 grand worth of hard drugs today. Who do u think that is?

5. Someone that I know is hooking me up with a bunch of late 60's early 70's live Pink Floyd soundboard bootlegs. Who would be so kind?

6. Someone that I know looks really hot with her new haircut. Wonder who?

7. Someone that we know may get laid due to a blog compliment. ;-)

Good night!
-R

Fucking Pulsar!

2005-12-17T23:41:00.000-08:00

When I was really young, one of my favorite toys was an action figure called, "Pulsar." He was this 14 inch He-man looking motherfucker with white hair. He came dressed in a tough black and red 70's "futuristic" track suit. The thing that sepreated Pulsar from the rest of the action figures was that his chest was made out of clear plastic, and you can see all of his internal organs (kinda like the "Visible Man/Woman" models). However, the coolest part about my man Pulsar was the button on his back. When u pushed the button, you would see blood pumping to all of his internal organs. Fucking cool!

I also had his Docking station the "Life Systems Center" which was pretty lame even back then. Out of respect to Pulsar I think I'll avoid making a joke about the name "Life System Center" or about the fact that it looks like bondage equipment.

What cool obscure toys do u remember from your childhood?
-R

Stuff + Cats = Awesome

2005-12-13T16:26:00.000-08:00

At the dawn of time a bunch of people seeking easily conciliable gay porn invented the internet. 4 minutes later a picture of a squirrel with huge photoshopped testicles appeared in everyones email. 5 1/2 minutes later some dude from japan started posting pics of his rabbit with pancakes on his head. The world laughed. Then, for several years, nothing interesting happened.

Now, like 1000 volts of electric candy-coated awesome, I give you stuff on my cat .com.

-R

PS. I hate when people try to out "1337" each other (1337 is geek-speak for leet = elite = better then everyone, if you didn't know), so if you have seen this link before then I'll concede in advance; you are much better at the internet then I am. Suck it!

I'm My Own Tv Show

2005-12-13T00:17:00.000-08:00

Was going to lunch the other day and saw this oddity sitting in an empty parking lot. It is about 7 feet tall and about 10 feet wide, made completely out of concrete (or a concrete-like substance) . If you can't tell, it is supposed to be a talk show set. There is an opening on the left so you can walk inside and either sit in the host's chair or sit on the guest sofa. I did both.
This place never ceases to amaze me.

11 Below Zero

2005-12-12T16:15:00.000-08:00

11 fucking below fucking zero in Toronto! 11! What the fuck.

3 dog walks a day for 14 days comes out to.... uhhh...

*gets calculator*
*types in numbers*
*fucks it up like 3 times*
*curses for being too stupid for basic math*
*throws calculator in frustration*

...a fucking hell of a lot of fucking cold-ass walks!
See you in T

That is all.

-R

The Velvet Teen

2005-12-09T19:50:00.000-08:00

For those of you that care (which, if you knew better you would), The Velvet Teen are finally coming out with a new album in the spring of 06. If you haven't listened to their last album; "Elysium" you should get right on that, it's goddamn beautiful! Here's a link. Download the song "Caspian Can Wait."

Judah Nagler (The Velvet Teen's singer) does guest vocals on this song by a band called Intramural. It's kinda Radioheady, but still pretty cool. I like it better when he uses more of his intense, almost angelic, vocal range on The Velvet Teen songs, so don't judge him on this guest appearance.

Have a fudge-dipped weekend.
-R

The Jews VS. Santa

2005-12-09T16:56:00.000-08:00

Felt really weird to take a picture with Santa outdoors in a mall in December!

Skin

2005-12-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

Skin is so resilient, so accommodating. It has almost unlimited potential for growth. A person would die of obesity-related complications before their skin would stop covering them. Old people's skin is even more fascinating. I've grown up with a best friend that was, at times, obsessed with drawing old men. It literally illustrated how much character, how much wisdom, and how much loss is attached to every liver-spotted age line. Some day, if I don't die in some porn-related accident, I'll be old and intense looking, we all will.
Check this link; it contains some amazing artistic nudes of extremely old women:
Gyahtei

I guess it's weird to view something so inevitable as being so alien.

-Jack Handy

A Love Song For Coffee

2005-12-07T16:46:00.000-08:00

"The Coffee Song"
Originally By Frank Sinatra, covered by Soul Coughing.

Way down among Brazilians
Coffee beans grow by the billions
So they've got to find those extra cups to fill
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil

You can't get cherry soda
'Cause they've got to fill that quota
And the way things are I'll bet they never will
They've got a zillion tons of coffee in Brazil

No tea or tomato juice
You'll see no potato juice
The planters down in Santos all say no no no

The politician's daughter
Was accused of drinking water
And was fined a great big fifty dollar bill
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil

You date a girl and find out later
She smells just like a percolator
Her perfume was made right on the grill
Why they could percolate the ocean in Brazil

And when their ham and eggs need savor
Coffee ketchup gives 'em flavor
Coffee pickles way outsell the dill
Why, they put coffee in the coffee in Brazil

So your lead to the local color
Serving coffee with a cruller
Dunking doesn't take a lot of skill
They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil

The line, "they put coffee in the coffee in Brazil" makes me giggle every time. Yeah, It's been a Soul Coughing day.
-R

How I Spent My Weekend In Chicago

2005-12-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

1. Made some metal with Shawn, Jon, and Cannabis Joe. I sang and played drums. I can't really do either, but that didn't fucking stop me.
2. Drove in a snow storm. Goddamn it was cold and shitty!
3. Ate a hotdog (2nd time eating meat in like 15 years).
4. Flew on an airplane with Scott Ian from Anthrax.
5. Said "goodbye" to the home that I grew up in (my mom is moving next week).
6. Went through my mom's basement and found all sorts of treasures.

Here are just a few of the treasures:
Conspiracy battle of the bands flyer (made by Rich Schulien)

Albatross band pic, autographed, but not personalized

My heavy metal gutair pick collection (row 1 Lord Tracy, row 2 Pantera, row 3 Fates Warning, row 4 Lizzy Borden)

2 Chicago Rocker magazines from april 93 and sept 92 with the following pages in them:

A Pubes The Clown shrinky dink necklace

More to come later.
-R

WWXD?

2005-12-01T16:26:00.000-08:00

Fuck Christmas music in it's eggnog-scented ass!

It's the same 7 songs constantly redone by unoriginal dickheads that want to make some extra cash off of peoples' fear of death (aka Religion).
They have it piped in throughout our building. It's in the hallway, in the lobby, in the elevator, and in the fucking bathroom. The country version of jingle bells, the jazz version of frosty, and some unrocking version of jingle bell rock. That song doesn't fucking rock, it never rocked.

Now, don't mistake me for a Xmas-hating heeb. Hanukah music is actually much worse, however it is rarely played in public places (for a reason).

It's time for recording artists to come up with some new material for the holidays.

Oh and excuse my ignorance, but what's the deal with "Xmas?" Is it the 2 lines of the "X" = cross = Christ thing or is there some secret anti-semitic bible reason? And if that's the case, how come they just don't call Jesus; "X" or "Mr. X?"

I'll be in Chicago this weekend helping my Mom pack. I'll prolly talk to y'all when I get back.

-R

Best Video Ever

2005-11-30T11:53:00.000-08:00

ab·surd (ob-sûrd, -zûrd)
adj.
1. Ridiculously incongruous or unreasonable. See Synonyms at "foolish"
2. Karkis

Pumpkin Spice Latte AEnema!

2005-11-28T14:08:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving weekend came and went. The Grrl and pug left for Toronto. Now it's me, George, and my new best friend; World Of Warcraft (Warcrack). So yeah, if my posts are scarce, blame Warcraft. Now watch from afar as my life falls apart due to my addiction to this neverending video game.

Some stuffs:
Our old buddy isn't lazy, he's an actor. His movie is called "Sleeping Dogs Lie." Here he is in all his splendor:

More stuffs:
It's uncanny, mine looks exactly like this:

Last Stuffs:
Here's a cool link for a website that sells medical fetish toys. It's rather impressive for a sextoy store. Dig it:
Click Me

Hope u all had a good holiday and long-ass weekend (if applicable, Canadians)

-Richard Head

Reach Out And Touch Faith

2005-11-23T12:59:00.000-08:00

There is something about a sell-out crowd of 20,000 people with their hands in the air reaching out to touch faith that gives me chills. The truth is that they were most likely reaching out to touch Dave Gahan, who is probably the sexiest man in music.

Yeah, I saw Depeche Mode last night. I've never seen them live before. I was never a huge fan but always respected them and their songwriting skills. They are the most immaculate live band I've ever seen. Their sound was perfect, their mix was perfect, their stage show was perfect, and their setlist was pretty fuckin close to perfect.
The songs that Martin Gore sang were so intense that I though he was going to cry. His voice fluttered with such emotion, it was captivating. Dave Gahan has the kind of ultra-charismatic presence that can turn 20,000 individual people into 1 large mass of energy. If he would have told the crowd to kill, there would have been a slaughter. Luckily he just told the crowd to clap a lot and sing a lot. That they did.

setlist (from what I can remember):
Everything counts
Personal Jesus
Just cant get enough
never let me down
Enjoy the silence
policy of truth
Somebody
and a bunch of newer songs that I don't know the names of

If they come to your town, go check them out! For Real!
-Rick

Godspeed You Black Emperor

2005-11-22T11:38:00.000-08:00

Quick review:

Godspeed You Black Emperor "Shake Your Skinny Fists Like Antenna to Heaven"

How did these guys escape me? If you havn't heard them, here's my super quick review;

They sound like what would happen If Pink Floyd were to do their version of Peter Gabriel's Passion.
Their music feels good on my skin. *sigh*

Dig it!

Random Spewage

2005-11-21T16:40:00.000-08:00

Got an advance copy of the new System Of A Down album (yeah, I'm 1337 like that!). It sounds exactly like their last 2 albums. So if you like their complex flavor of Armenian Twat Metal, then you'll love "Hypnotize".

Check out this Ducttape Wallet. You can buy it here for $10 plus S&H, or steal the idea and make a cooler one yourself for just the price of a roll of tape, you lazy, uncreative fuck.

And god dammit, when is the last time you listened to "Too Fast For Love?" Matt prolly did so this past weekend. What's the rest of your excuses? Did u know it's more metal then anything that you have been listening to in it's place? Did u know that it sounds just as punk rock as much of the "respected" oldschool punk, and a thousand times more punk rock then all of the asshalfs that occupy and monopolize the airwaves? I wanna make 100000 copies of this CD and litter LA with them. People will find them, listen to them, and punch themselves in the throat for forgetting how cool that Cd really is!

So, at all webmaster events there is a photographer that takes pics. The Playboy party was no different. Too bad the only pic of me looks like I was practicing for a dicksucking contest. What the fuck?

Later,
-R

Some Grotto Pics

2005-11-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

outside

inside

The Mansion Party Review

2005-11-19T11:53:00.000-08:00

Most rich, famous, and decadent people get money, fame, and decadence as a byproduct of talent. That is to say, for example, if all pro basketball players or pro musicians made only $80,000 a year with little recognition, there would still be pro basketball and music. What if your talent is being rich, famous, and decadent?

Hugh Fucking Hefner.

Here is the breakdown of last night's overwhelming spectacle:

The party was thrown to celebrate playboys new online focus. Most of the people who were invited were "important" in the adult online realm. All invited guests had to meet at a hotel by Universal Studios to check in and get our special Playboy wrist bands. There were some security issues with mansion, so they un-authorized all limos and private cars and made everyone take crazy Playboy shuttle busses. Probably the world record for the most multi-millionaires on shuttle busses. Everyone was so grateful for the opportunity to hang at the mansion, the bitching about it was minimal.

The drive through Beverly Hills felt strangely similar to being next in line for the front seat of a rollercoaster.

As soon as we stopped in front of a dark gate with a black-suited, earpiece-wearing guard, the whole bus went silent. After being granted entry, we slowly idled up the winding driveway. The grounds were lush with foliage, and yellow caution signs along the driveway read, "Caution: Watch for Wildlife" and "Playmates At Play." We passed another checkpoint and was let off the bus. We were then escorted into the back yard area.

Last night I started calling the Playboy Mansion "the great equalizer," because that fucking place humbled every single person there. Even the wealthiest, too-cool-for-school-est massive company owners walked around dumbstruck with their mouths agape.

I'll describe the highlights and lowlights in more of a list-form, so as not to drag this post on forever;

-That man has a real fucking zoo in his yard. I've always known he has some monkeys and stuff, but it's a full zoo. It takes 40 people to run just his zoo.
-He has an aviary that is in a different part of the property from the zoo. He has Toucans and a shitload of talking birds.
-the grounds were just immaculate! It looked like a parody of an excessively manicured unnatural paradise. I wouldn't be surprised if every tree and flower was imported from somewhere far away and replanted in Hef's yard (there's a metaphor there somewhere).
-Naked Playmates in the massive C-shaped pool.
-The grottto is amazing! 4 or 5 huge hottubs in a cave!
- We had access to 2 separate party areas that looked like huge clubs; The 1st one was around the pool and could comfortably accommodate 400 people or so (that's where most people hung out). The other area was in a huge tent that had a stage with an 80's hip-hop cover band, and a bunch of couches. I'll bet the tent could have over well over 1000 people in it.
-There were only about 400 people there, so it was a chilled out atmosphere with lots of space to breathe
-3 different bars with over 15 bartenders, so no waiting for drinks.
-20 waiters walking around all night with delicious Hors D'oeuvres and amazing deserts.

The only lowlight (other then having to leave) was the fact that Hef didn't show up. I don't blame him for second.

That's the story. Hopefully next time I'll remember to bring my bolt cutters and snag me a monkey.

-Playmate of the Year

Party At The Mansion!!!

2005-11-18T12:31:00.000-08:00

Going to a party at Hugh Hefner's house tonight!

I am extremely excited that I get to experience this surreal, cartoon-like event, hopefully the 1st of many at The Mansion.

Top 5 ways to get myself banned from the mansion for life:

5. Greco-roman wrestle Hef (and pin him with a double chicken wing)
4. Write the word "balls" on the ceiling in gold spraypaint.
3. Liberate the aviary, then shoot them like skeet.
2. Sneak my own violent monkey into the monkey cage to administer beat-downs to the Playboy monkeys (then break into the obligatory masturbation and shit-throwing frenzy)
1. Shit the Grotto

I'm leaning towards 1. I'd better bring a travel pack of babywipes just in case.

I'll let y'all know how it went.

-Miss November

Coolest Link Ever (well.. today).

2005-11-17T16:23:00.000-08:00

Warning: This link contains nudity (but no sex or anything)

Click Me

Good Question Mr. Cockrock

2005-11-17T09:43:00.000-08:00

The question:
"When is the new film gonna be done??? I'm anxious. -cockrock"

The answer:
I'm fucking anxious too! The filming is done. Unfortunately, greenscreen postproduction work is tedious. We should have an edited version sometime next week (hopefully), then we will "attach it" to different backgrounds which we will both film and create graphically. I will put some scenes online when they are completed. I'll email interested parties the secret links, because I don't want them floating around the interweb.

My question for you, my depraved friends, is what kinds of backgrounds do u want to see girls fucking in front of? I have plenty of ideas, but now is the time to get your requests in.

-Rick

Doodie Bomb

2005-11-15T17:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I'll do a google search for something moronic and the results are usually 1000000 times more moronic then the original search.

Case in point: "Doodie Bomb"

When I searched the words "doodie bomb" I got a website called The Fartmart. It has all of your fart-humor needs including all sorts of rubber turds. The handsome turd in the pic is called "The Log."

Perhaps one day I won't have the sense of humor of an 8 year old, but till then it's rubber shit and penis jokes.

-Dick (heee I said, "dick")

The I Buzz

2005-11-14T20:55:00.000-08:00

It's a vibrator that plugs into your ipod and vibrates to the rhythm of whatever music that you are listening to. Fucking brilliant! Ya know, they just don't make "respectable" vibrators for men. They only make disgusting "realistic" vaginas modeled after the gaping holes of porn stars. Lovely. Someone needs to make a "dignified" male masturbatory aide. The closest thing is the Fleshlight, if you can call fucking a flashlight with a vaginal opening, "dignified." Perhaps when Orgasm puts some money into R and D (that's research and development, not Rick and Damian), I'll come up with a solution to this social injustice. Until then, go fuck a warm cantaloupe with a hole in it. Yumm!

-Rick

I Wish The Blood Dripping From My Ears Was Louder

2005-11-13T12:11:00.000-08:00

I usually don't think I'm a music snob. I love meeting people with more musical knowledge and more eclectic musical taste then myself. I also love turning people on to music that they've never heard before. Normally those 2 things separate music geekary from music snobbery. The only time I really feel like a music snob is when my neighbors blast their horrible brainless music-to-murder-by. To be fair, any one or 2 of the songs being blasted is fine when it stands alone (or in a pair). I mean, everyone has guilty pleasures, but this is a full setlist of songs that sound like they coming from a compilation CD called "Christian-Friendly Popular Adult Contemporary Love Songs From 1986." And they are fucking LOUD. They are being blasted and echoing throughout the apartment. Here are the songs so far; Michael J and Paul McCartney "The girl is mine", Brian Adams, "Everything I do", Some Celine Dion Song, a Gloria Estafan song, some mainstream cuntry love song. Goddammit It seems like it will go on and on.
Honestly, how can people be happy in that world? None of the video channels cater to that type of music, and neither does radio. It kinda sounds like a Doctor's office radio station. Maybe my neighbor is a doctor and is addicted to that shit. Dickhead!

I would normally fight this by putting on some metal; Dillenger Escape Plan, Unearth, Lamb of God, Fuckin Slayer, something obnoxious. However, Anna is sleeping and I am a considerate boyfriend (usually).

Either way, I wanna put my ipod in a sock and beat the motherfucker with it. Fuck!

-R

Drink-o-meter

2005-11-10T14:29:00.000-08:00

This little diggy is kinda fun, it calculates your lifetime drinking statistics, including # of drinks you have ingested and amount of money you have spent on boozes. It is kinda skewed because it doesn't take into account lifestyle changes. I think most degenerates go through different phases where they are complete drunken assholes and then they mellow out a for a while (aka get a girlfriend/boyfriend, DUI, liver transplant, etc..).

Anyway here is the link:

Drink-o-meter

I said that I go out and drink 2x a week and drink 6 beers a night which has been untrue for the past couple of years, but I think it may average out to be correct-ish (if not modest) considering my past decadence.
# of drinks consumed: 9352
$ spent on drinks: $37,408
would fill 27 bathtubs

pls post your results
-R

He Is The Law

2005-11-09T16:55:00.000-08:00

fifteen years in the academy,
He was like no cadet they'd ever seen.
A man so hard, his veins bleed ice,
And when he speaks he never says if twice.
They call him Chuck, his last name is Norris,
So break the law, and you wind up dead.
Truth and justice are what he's fighting for,
Norris the man, he is the law.
Chuck IT!

With gun and bike he rules the streets,
And every perp he meets will taste defeat.
Not even Death can overcome his might,
Cause Chuck Norris won the fight.
When the Sov's started the Apocalypse war,
Mega-City was bombed to the floor.
Norris resisted, Chuck fought back,
Crushed the Sov's with a counter-attack.
Chuck IT!

*Pre-Chorus*:
Respect the badge - he earned it with his blood.
Fear the gun - your sentence may be death because...
*Chorus*:
I AM THE LAW!
And you won't fuck around no more - I AM THE LAW!
I judge the rich, I judge the poor - I AM THE LAW!
Commit a crime I'll lock the door - I AM THE LAW!
Because in Mega-City... I AM THE LAW!

In the cursed earth where mutants dwell,
There is no law, just a living hell.
Anarchy and chaos as the blood runs red,
But this would change if it was up to Chuck.
The book of law is the bible to him,
And any crime committed is a sin.
He keeps the peace with his law-giver,
Judge, jury, and executioner.
Chuck IT!

15 Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris

2005-11-07T15:58:00.000-08:00

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Sumo Pornstars

2005-11-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

Here is Samantha Sumo:

and Celeste Sumo:

Isn't amazing how hot women look when they are dressed up like obese wrestlers? Errr... maybe it's just me. Perhaps I've said too much.

-R

A Carnival Of Pornography

2005-11-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

The 3rd and final day of our 1st production was finished yesterday. I'd hate to give any of the complicated plot twists away, but day 3 consisted of; ham spankings, Starwars tributes, candy penetration, strap-on dildos on foreheads, strawberry Jell-o baths, Sumo wrestling (with carnival-quality padded sumo suits), Rabbi porn, magic vomit tricks, Abe Lincoln nods, fisting, foxy boxing, tit speadbagging, claustrophobia, head injury, and catering.

I guess that marks my directorial debut. Now we start the editing/post-production work. We have hundreds of gigs of HD footage, which amounts to about 4 or 5 hours of video. That 4-5 hours will be edited down to less then an hour, and then I'll send a demo copy to all interested parties (yes that means you, if you are, in fact, interested).

Now I have to come up with more ideas so we can begin this process again. Ideally, we will do 12-14 more productions before 2007, but we'll see.

I took some funny pics of models in Sumo suits and Rabbi gear (it's so hot). I'll post them later.
-Fudgeboy

Fist Like An Egyptian

2005-11-02T11:24:00.000-08:00

DSC00249
Originally uploaded by Caulrophobic.

Took this pic at the British Museum (hee hee, the BM). It's an authentic big ass Egyptian stone fist. Ya know all the hot and sexy Egyptian fisting movies that you see online? They are all based on this prototype! I read in the museum guide that it takes 7 1/2 gallons of lube to completely cover it. Of course, back in 1350 BC they didn't have conventional lube. They had to use a water/yak-saliva mixture and devout prayer.

Unfortunately, he camera ran out of juice before I could take pics of 30 foot marble anal beads.

Have a lovely day,
-Rick

Stupid Fuckhole!

2005-11-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

Stupid 1000 delicious apple martinis
Stupid used-to-have-party-stamina-now-ima-lightweight-pussy
Stupid cigarette smoking when I'm drinking
Stupid loud and disgusting oral martini ejection process
Stupid almost-shit-my-pants-while-puking drunk idiot

I try to concentrate on work but when I do, I forget to concentrate on not drooling and not becoming incontinent.
The letters on the hollywood sign keep changing places and spelling out secret messages;
"HOLD WOOLY HOD WOOLLY, HOD LO YOWL HOOD LOWLY. DOLL OH YOW LLOYD OH OW DOLLY HO OW-OLD OH YOWL
OLD HO OWLY, DOW HOLY LO!" What does it all mean?

*berp*
-R

Worst 5 Song Mixtape

2005-10-29T11:24:00.000-07:00

Why didn't we think of this (oh yeah, it was the drugs):

2 roommates made a bet that they could come up with the absolute worst 5 song mixtape. The loser had to walk around town blasting all 10 songs on a boombox. "Impartial" roommate #3 was the judge.

"Worst Mixtape Video"

Here are my 5 choices for the worst mixtape (in no specific order):

5. That Venga Boys song (It's called "Up And Down." If you don't think you know it, google it and you will realize that you've heard it a million times and want to get violent)
4. Electric Slide/Macarena ( I grouped them together because neither deserves it's own number and even though they are very different, they are interchangeable.)
3. Phil Collins "Sussudio" (It makes me gag just writing the name of the song)
2. "It's Raining Men" by the Weathergirls (If I never hear this song again for the rest of my life... fuck, I don't have to even finish my sentence, you know the rest)
1. Whitney Houston "Greatest Love Of All" (Cheesiest, most insincere song ever written by a woman that is so obviously talking down to her listeners, that I'm surprised she can get through the song without laughing.)

Honorable mentions:
Right Said Fred "I'm Too Sexy
Winger "Seventeen"
Gloria Gaynor"I will Survive"

There is so much bad music out there, What is your worst 5 song mixtape?
-R